A Collection of Turds

Men, this post is for you.  Ladies, you’re welcome to play but I fully expect you to learn these things on behalf of your Other.

Men, give me your best euphemisms and descriptions for the categories of toilet experiences that you’ve had.  I’ll compile a list here in this post and we can all develop a bit of urban dictionary to share with our friends and coworkers.

Name	Description
The 25mm	Named for a tank-mounted coaxial gun.  The 25mm is distinguished by multiple series of short, bursty farts with brief pauses for sphincter pinch or beef drops in between.  Usually producible after bbq with baked beans.
The Hurry Up and Wait	When you sit to drop and immediately fill up a bowl’s worth similar to an Artemis Fowl, but there’s that one straggler nugget that just will not drop regardless of sphincter power or stomach strength.  Usually requires “the shake” to remove.  Pretty common among non-water drinkers that eat hot wings
Alphabet Soup	One of my favorites.  The alphabet soup is appropriately called when you examine your lumber and it/they create a fine resemblance to a letter of the alphabet.  The most common letters are J, C and O, oddly enough.  S anyone?
The G’Day Mate	This is labeled when you drop in your contribution and it is spinning counter-clockwise in the toilet.  Combinable with all other labels.  Why do turds float in a circle when deposited? Odd center of gravity?
The Dexter	Named for the popular Showtime series, a Dexter consists of random spatter patterns painting the bowl.  Remember, the smaller the diameter per spatter drop, the higher the initial velocity.  I’m shooting (literally!) for <1mm next time I have this.  Many have to eat chili to get this effect.
The Area 51	I have no idea how this happens, but it does; I blame gravity.  An A51 label is appropriate when you deploy your stink grenades, but they skate down the toilet pipe and aren’t in the bowl when you take a look to analyze.
The Holy Hand Grenade	This isn’t an original name, but an HHG is simply a combined Area 51 (see above) and Spic ‘n Span (see below).  No muss, no fuss!
Scorched Earth	After its fabled computer game, Scorched Earth opens with a wolf-bane howling green napalm fart that sticks to your clothes and makes your eyes water.  Nose hairs may recede.  Warning: known carcinogens may be present, mesothelioma may result.  Turd volume insignificant thereafter.
The Artemis Fowl	Named for dwarves in the popular children’s series by Eoin Colfer.  The AF, for short, is the 21st Century version of the old school power dump.  Volume is key, untouched toilet water must be completely nonexistent.  Recommended only in workplaces and public restrooms where flushing power is known to be very high.  Warning: high potential to plug toilet.  Further recommended where multiple empty stalls exist.
Wizard Stew	(courtesy of urbandictionary.com).  When happening upon a toilet which already contains a whole or partial turd of unknown origin, proceeding to add to said turd without first flushing is creating a wizard stew.
The Spic ‘n Span	As a feat against nature, this is any turd which wipes completely clean on the first pass.  Usually accompanied by a comment such as “hmmph, well ok”.  Higher probability during morning sessions.
The Coup de Pouce	A loose, slippery turd most known for showing itself during a hangover morning.  This “helping hand” is a constipation breaker for many, and the coup de pouce may be brought on by any industrial-strength laxative.  It is rated by the length and thickness of deposited streak marks after the first flush.  Not to be mistaken for an Artemis Fowl; may be combined if warranted.
The Onesy Twosey aka the Turdus Migratorius	Derived from our kids euphemisms, the 1-2 for short is the condition where a man is at a urinal and has to pack up and move to a toilet to complete the maneuver.  Urinal flush optional but recommended.  If pants are not buttoned, the stroll from urinal to toilet is the 1-2 shuffle.  If forced to wait for a stall, you are in the 1-2 pinch.  Sometimes known as the Turdus Migratorius, but this is the actual scientific name for an American robin (I can’t make that up, go google it)
The Upper Decker	Not recommended in your own house or any place where you can be identified.  A UD is done by relieving yourself in the toilet tank rather than in the bowl.  Combinable with other wiping-related conditions for full descriptive effect.
The Taint Pack	I think this is posture-based, honestly.  If you sit up too straight and have high volume, there’s a good chance you’ve done a taint pack.  This is a wiping condition where you need to take about 10 passes with TP to dig out before getting up.  Recommend a few wet wipes for bulk removal operations.
The Double Negative	This is one of the worst conditions to deal with as a bomb-dropper.  The DN is a wiping condition where you realize too late that there’s no TP in your stall, and there’s no other way to get some TP without a DN shuffle to the hand-drying paper towels, only to discover the bathroom you’re in only has the electric hand dryers.  Recommendation, sacrifice underwear if gut condition is stable, otherwise, sacrifice socks and complete job as normal.
The Corn Cob	Combinable with any other condition - this is a classic corn-shaped log.  Double bonus if it actually contains corn in any visible form.
The Turd Blossom	Borrows from its Texas definition, a turd blossom is any turd which is accompanied by a scentless fart.  Double bonus if the fart smells fruity or otherwise sweet.
Turkey Dump	Differing from Turd Ferguson’s definition at a significant risk to the collegiate crowd, a TD is any turd which takes on the shape of a drumstick in either pre-flush or post-flush conditions.  Good sphincter control can produce a turkey dump in many cases.
The Double Bullseye	When you drop a turd nugget pure into the toilet water as to create a splashback that goes inside your still-open asscrack.  Usually followed by a cold sensation inside the spam ring.
Jailbreak aka The Mudbutt	Admittedly I did not create this term but I love it.  A jailbreak is exactly that — usually immediately preceded by a hurried walk or a stiff-thigh robotic jog to the stall.  Once there, many possibilities.  Easily produced after large quantities of mexican food or buffalo wings, especially at the lunch hour.
Dry Dock	This is a vengeance or revenge turd.  A turd that pulls into dry dock should be a large, preferably thick, single log is possible.  Aim is key.  A properly placed dry dock resides either inside the bowl above the water line or, in severely pointed cases, on the toilet seat itself.  Most useful on your last day at a job or other similar moments.
The Yule Log aka Mr. Hankey	A yule log doesn’t have to come around only at the holiday season.  Any single, large log that is so sizeable that it threatens to rip your asshole open when expressed is considered a yule log.  Normally a sign of other internal problems and at the risk of an impacted bowel, the yule log may be a compaction of multiple unspent turds which vary in color and consistency.  Candles, Mistletoe and Hiiiidey Ho! optional.
The Johnny Cash	And it burns, burns, burns:  the ring of fire — the ring of fire.  Possibly brought on by a Jailbreak, but not a requirement.  Could be a sign of liver damage if oddly discolored, especially with an orange tinge.
The Up and Down The Second Wave The Oops I Did it Again The Second Helping	This is a pretty common session.  The U/D happens when you fully express a turd of any description, complete wiping procedures and just as you stand to get dressed, round 2 drops into the breech.  This is so common it’s known by many different names.
The Claymore The Potter’s Delight	Usually confused with an AF, this is the converse of a CdP.  The Claymore is a deep bedrock clay consistency turd, thick like nearly-dry concrete, that may be caused by or may create other situations.  A perfect claymore is not reshaped by the bowl even at maximum flushing power, and generally is only resectioned with a long-handled putty knife or a garden hoe.  No plunger can cut a true claymore for ease of flushing.
The Taint Ripper The Male Episiostomy	Even larger still by comparison to a Yule Log, a TRip is a single log that is so large it literally busts part of the taint seam into an oozing, seeping, painful split.  characterized by thin streaks of blood during wiping — not to be confused with hemorrhoid bleeding which produces larger, rounder deposits of blood and often falls into the bowl during expression.  This session creates a lasting painful condition, depending on frequency of sessions and overall turd size.  Recommend a few Coup de Pouce sessions after this one.

 

I think these ought to set the table.  Ok men, let me hear what you have to add to this list.  Ladies, commit these to memory, become fluent in their meanings, interpret their interchangeability.  You gain style points with any man if you can correct his misuse of the terminology based on description, and you pwn if you can use these to describe your own sessions.

Thank you for 50,000 hits

In less than a year this blog has received more than 50,000 hits. Considering the topics I write about and the infrequency of my posts (quality over quantity?) this is a pretty impressive number in my eyes. Just want to say thank you to everyone who participates in my discussions, looks at my uploaded pictures, and just plain ol’ reads what I’m saying and questions my sanity.

I started this blog on 12/9/06 with a goal of 5k hits this year; 10x that number was well beyond my wildest imagination.

What America Can Learn from Japan

As an American who lived in Japan for 7 years, and very much would like to again some day, returning to life in the US a few years ago was an incredible culture shock.  It was tougher to adjust in moving back to the US than it was to adjust when I arrived in Japan, despite the fact that I’d lived here for 22 years before I first went there.  In the past three years that I’ve been here in Denver, it’s become more and more challenging to accommodate the average American without flipping out and losing my patience.

What I’ve come to grips with, after some lengthy deliberation, is that I expect too much of the average American by having any expectations at all.  Yes, that’s right, it’s too much to ask to carry a single expectation of the average American.  Many people will say that’s a hypocritical statement, or that I’m just bs’ing because if I’m an American it has to apply to me too.  Sure. Fine. Whatever.  Yes I’m a US citizen, and I hold a green card for Japan, and it’s ridiculous how the average person in this country conducts himself.  The average American, in my definition, possesses at least the following qualities:
1.  self-awareness is paramount; surroundings more than 10 feet away are oblivion, unimportant, and probably shouldn’t ever have existed
2.  if person A has more money than person B, person A indirectly (and sometimes directly) makes it known
3.  American women are the most deceitful female of any species in existence; especially in front of other women
4.  between 15 and 40 pounds overweight and not going to do a damn thing about it.
5.  drives an obscenely large vehicle with obscenely bad driving habits and thinks obscenities towards those whose abidance by traffic laws inconveniences them

Why?  What is it about America that could possibly improve, you may ask?  I ask that question in reverse — what about America doesn’t need to be improved to be on par with a tiny (by comparison) country like Japan?

American society is devolving.  That is to say, it is doing the exact opposite of improving.  Japanese society, on the other hand, is continuing to improve - or at least remain unchanged in either direction.  By a global standard, no change is actually a significant improvement.  Granted, the culture of Japan has a several thousand year head start on American culture, but let’s face it; the culture in America really isn’t defined even after 225 years of having a country.  Perhaps Americans own the cultural patent on the fast food drive thru; beyond that there isn’t much.

So why is Japan so “great” when compared to the capitalist American society?  There are a few things about Japan which all people (in Japan) do that the average American would probably think “ok, and?” or “so what?” to, because the average American is incapable of compiling a proper conscious thought to actually understand that sometimes different = better and other times different just = different.  A few of my observation points about Japanese society:
1.  The elderly hold the highest social respect position - they are honored people in society.  Elderly drivers over age 70 (I think) have a special decal for their car which basically informs everyone around them that it’s an elderly driver and essentially to get the hell out of their way if there is a gridlock.
2.  Women run the family finances, but at the same time, women are much more frugal, pragmatic and conscientious about managing the family’s money.  Japan is a cash-based society; that is, most employees are paid in cash to this day.  They don’t know what the hell a check is in Japan, nor do they care.
3.  Children are honored citizens in society; there are several national holidays for children.
4.  Handguns (yes, I went there) are outlawed nationwide.  You do not have the right to bear arms.  If there is ever a violent crime, most often the weapon of choice is a chef’s knife.
5.  Most importantly I think; it doesn’t matter who you are, what kind of car you drive, what kind of job you have, what brand of clothes you wear - what matters is that you are an upstanding, honest person whom those around you can respect and trust.  You must represent yourself as a person that others would care to be around based on your core values and not your outward appearance.
6.  The average Japanese person is between -10 and +5 pounds of their ideal weight; the Japanese diet consists primarily of vegetables and fish.

So, without continuing for a longer spell, I’ll conclude this mini-tirade with some thoughts.  Manifest Destiny grew America to too large of a size too early in its existence - that was out of pure greed and desire to prosper in previously unmapped, native lands.  The Monroe Doctrine basically installed the US as the conflict cops of the Western Hemisphere during the same era.  Nearly 200 years later, are Americans any more conscious, on average?

LiveJournal Tags: Japan , culture , research , society

Wii GH3 Friend Codes

I’m surfing the Internets for some decent GH3 players that want to do some co-op on the Wii version and realized that I could just ask for people to submit if they want to play.

My GH3 friend code is 4811 5093 9408. If you want to do some hard/expert level co-op play then add me. Don’t forget to leave your friend code as a comment to this post.

Writers Guild Strike Affecting “Heroes” Season 2

Tim Kring said in an interview from the picket lines the other day that they had to re-do the ending of episode 11, in the event that season 2 has to end at that episode.

First, I want to say that this is a disgraceful embarrassment of American society to have union workers out picketing. It’s a centuries-old negotiation tactic steeped in negative reinforcement with those affected indirectly by the work stoppage. Labor unions are ok in some ways and not ok in others, but this is the very reason that industries don’t like to work with them. Honestly, there are probably as many good writers not in the guild as there are in it. When work stoppages like this happen, I wonder how seriously the other side of the bargain considers bringing in non-union people who’d work for the last offered proposal (it’s probably a high%).

Secondly, Heroes is really good this season. At seven episodes deep, and with the ending of episode 7 (so many ?s there) I can’t see this season winding down in 4 more episodes. I could see it going into a mid-season break like season 1 did, but there’s no way the entire second season story can wrap up in 168 more minutes of screen time. I’d be impressed and disappointed with that if it really happened.

Thoughts?