Against the Grain

Slightly more than just jibba jabba

You Might be a Soccer Mom if…

Posted by Patrick on 6 Apr 2008

I’m not quite done with this post yet, but I’m going to go ahead and publish it anyway. I’m sure that I’ll get mixed reviews since I have a pretty cynical, mixed gender audience. I mean to entertain as well as offer up some personal frustrations associated with living in Denver, the land of the California transplants cross-bred with 400k illegal immigrants – if it’s not funny, no refunds; you’re not obligated to read.

Here’s a not so new take on a concept that is recently just getting me more and more upset with American society – behold, the advent of the soccer mom and her place in the world. Much akin to the redneck in many regards, I have uncovered several behavioral habits and nuances and made several observations which may help you to identify if you are indeed one of this breed. I’m sorry if you are.

You might be a soccer mom if…

  • …you own more down vests than you own jackets.
  • …you have ever ordered Starbucks (or its equivalent) as decaf 1/2 skim 1/2 soy nofoam nowhip
  • …every one of your children wears crocs in the snow
  • …your primary means of communication with other people is by cell phone. while driving. and drinking your coffee.
  • …you never take the time to properly park your larger-than-the-parking-space SUV.
  • …long-sleeved turtleneck shirts are the extent of your fashion sense.
  • …your pants get tucked in to your boots, no matter the season. Even in summer.
  • …you traded in an SUV, mid-size sedan, or a minivan to get a new, roomier minivan with captain’s chairs
  • …you refuse to put gas in your own car because “that’s my husband’s job” tee hee hee when actually you don’t know how to use the gas pump.
  • …you own more foldable beach/lawn chairs than wooden ones. If you use both indoors, then you may be a redneck soccer mom.
  • …you let your kids wander off in a store so you can have some peace and quiet for your cell phone conversation. about what your friends are wearing. and why they should go see a hair stylist.
  • …you keep more food in the minivan for the kids than in the cupboards.
  • …you drink “chai” because one of your cell phone friends says it’s healthy, and you believe her.
  • …you actually have kids that play soccer, but you have no idea how the game is played.
  • …you actually have kids that play soccer, and you are rabid with the airhorn every time your kid gets a touch.
  • …your idea of “going out to eat” is hitting a McDonalds or Chik-fil-A with an indoor playground so the kids can play instead of eat.
  • …the highlight of your day is when one of your cellphone friends actually calls you when you’re driving.
  • …your idea of competition is keeping up with your soccer mom neighbors’ purchases.
  • …you’ve ever hosted a partylite, tupperware, amway, pampered chef or mary kay party for which you are not the “distributor” or “agent”
  • …you have ever been an agent for a pyramid scheme goods company and tattooed your ambition on your car(s) with decals.

3 Responses to “You Might be a Soccer Mom if…”

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  3. This is probably the best England shirt ever made. The feel to the shirt is really smooth; it’s also very light and looks very nice. I bought this shirt because it looks nice and the name and number you can have on it is silver which is the only international shirt with silver writing but is rivalled by Italy’s gold writing. But the shirt is going to be used for the world cup 2010 so you might aswell get it now that it is only £30-35.

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