Who will win? IE8 vs Firefox 3

As a disclaimer, this discussion will probably not be technical enough to satisfy the extremely passionate readers who have an opinion on one side or another.  Further, the release cycles aren’t exactly in sync - as of this writing, IE8 has a developer-focused beta 1 available, while Mozilla is nearer release with Firefox 3 now in beta 4.

I’ve had IE8’s beta1 for around a week now.  What really turns me on to IE8 is that the development team at MS is really trying to produce a next-gen browser capable of supporting standards for things like CSS 2.1 and HTML5.  MS touts IE8 as a release aimed at creating and promoting interoperability - of course we have learned that we cannot place much trust in MS press releases about how good their products are going to be or even which features they will ultimately contain.  In this case, however, I believe MS has some must-deliver goods on the table and the ultimate fate of IE’s viability hangs in the balance with this release.

Despite being the de facto browser for millions of PC users that know no better, it’s the developers who are writing these new, rich Internet multimedia technologies that are going to swing the pendulum one way or the other with IE8.  If Joe User gets random crashes and badly rendered stuff in IE8, but gold-plated mastery in Firefox, then Joe is probably going to convert.  The same is true for the converse - where people find Firefox to suck they will usually go with IE (I mean Windows users).

One interesting addition in IE8 that I want to see is the WebSlices feature.  In my beta1 I’ve gotten it to work once but it was on static text in a page that holds little value.  The point of webslices are to serve as mini-feeds that web services can implement/call and provide info back to the user without requiring the user to be in that webspace to do it.  I love this function; I want to see it work first, though, before I start throwing myself at it.

But what about Firefox 3?  First of all, unlike IE8, the Firefox project has their product requirements document publicly available on the Mozilla wiki.  Some of the interesting features I pulled from the requirements document myself:

• Integrate with Vista Parental Controls
• Revised download manager
• Support for Linux ATK (accessibility)
• Several security improvements

I guess what I mean to say is that, it’s not a rewrite-style release like IE8, so the list of features isn’t going to include a bunch of grandiose “make the Internet cooler” type requirements.  The honest truth is that IE8 is trying to catch up with and arguably surpass the capabilities of Firefox.  While Firefox does have CSS issues from time to time - especially on sites that were written specifically for IE5.5 or IE6 - its version 2 evolved from feedback about what people wanted in IE but were less likely to “get”.

Ultimately, one of these browsers will prevail.  For completely unrelated reasons, I’m going to say that Firefox is the real winner regardless of IE8’s potential successes.  Corporate America is slowly moving its desktop users away from MS platforms and onto either Macs or Linux distributions (semantics at this level).  I personally would like nothing more than to convert my laptop from Windows XP SP2 to something like K/Ubuntu or Fedora.  In the Linux space, Firefox pretty much reigns though the flavors of browsing technology begin to vary vastly into personal preference when dealing with higher computer literacy percentages; the point there is that there’s no home for IE on Linux, and little welcome for it on Mac.

A Few Notes on Flatulence

No man’s blog would be complete without a steady dose of toilet humor, I’ve decided.  Let’s face it, most men are little more than primal in bodily function and etiquette pertaining to bodily function.  What do I mean? Well if it isn’t obvious, ok.  Guys agree that methane-based assgas is an acceptable icebreaker when surrounded only by other guys; in this case, the more the merrier — volume matters, and the fresher the better.  If it lingers in your flannel shirt and survives a wash cycle, it was perfect potency.

A real guy doesn’t use a nose/ear hair trimmer, we just singe them into reverse by this method.  I’m an engineer; in my workgroup there’s a solid number of guys and there’s not a day that goes by without being subjected to a contact high from some cropdusted bratwurst bubbles.  Some people get their high by doing things like running or biking to an extreme, but not guys — real guys.  No, it’s usually the pungent fragrance of hot napalm from 50 yards that sets a guy into a near-euphoric state.

Consider it, when a guy encounters ground-zero, there’s a ritual.  Step 1 — loudly inquire as to learn who shat themself.  Step 2 — without moving an inch, take the deepest possible breath to inhale all that floral residue and discern a guy’s personal brand from the lower-level stench receptors at the base of the nasal cavity.  Step 3 — begin hand-wafting the air to enhance the speed of travel in windless environments.  Step 4 — proceed with original course, if not forgotten.

However, let’s also speak to dispel the innocence of women in this category.  Ladies, ok, stop saying that you don’t fart; stop saying that your farts don’t stink; stop trying to deny yourself a colon-vibrating sphincter rupture when one is due.  In the name of all things sacred, just let that gas go.  If you earn anything, it’s respect from any guy within the blast radius or earshot, as appropriate.  What is it with the daintiness of a woman that makes a real cheek-shaker so taboo?  I mean, women will sit down with a group of guys at the lunch table and absolutely house it no matter what’s on the menu, but then there’s no glory afterwards.

I’m here to tell you women out there that can’t stand to just unload one:  in public, SBDs are your friend.  The woman I married has mastered this art, and so should you.  Furthermore, all women should master the bed blaster.  What is this, you ask?  The bed blaster is when you wait for your spouse/partner to crawl into bed, of course they want to get it on nightly.  Step 2 is to firmly seal the air pocket between you and your Other, creating 2 personal bubbles.  Step 3, unload your worst taco salad and fondue marshmallow cocktail – if some proverbial cheese hits the sheets, even better but clean it up immediately after you stop laughing.  So, you’ve beefed into your air bubble.  Step 4, give the bubble 5 seconds to rot, then in a single motion you pull all of the sheets and stuff over your Other’s head while you dismount the bed and recreate a seal with only your Other in it.  The thicker blankets you have on the bed, the better.  If you ladies can master this task with your Other, not only will it earn you a side-splitting fit of laughter, but you’ll gain so much respect in your Other’s mind.  It’s the absolute key to fostering a long-term relationship with a guy, especially, because a guy’s connection with others is based on the smell of their ass, after all.

In summary, ladies, you have a lot to learn if you’re yet to master this ancient art.  As our generation of young girls moves more to the “I-have-to-have-this-pair-of-uber-expensive-pants” insecurity, I’m afraid that the tradition described here is becoming a bit lost in the cultural gap between regular human beings and adolescent girls.  While my attempts to add this bit of chivalry to collegiate curricula have, of yet, been unsuccessful, I’m confident that the mothers of this generation (that would be the set of 20-40yo women with children) can sway the tide in favor of history.