You Might be a Soccer Mom if…

I’m not quite done with this post yet, but I’m going to go ahead and publish it anyway. I’m sure that I’ll get mixed reviews since I have a pretty cynical, mixed gender audience. I mean to entertain as well as offer up some personal frustrations associated with living in Denver, the land of the California transplants cross-bred with 400k illegal immigrants - if it’s not funny, no refunds; you’re not obligated to read.

Here’s a not so new take on a concept that is recently just getting me more and more upset with American society - behold, the advent of the soccer mom and her place in the world. Much akin to the redneck in many regards, I have uncovered several behavioral habits and nuances and made several observations which may help you to identify if you are indeed one of this breed. I’m sorry if you are.

You might be a soccer mom if…

• …you own more down vests than you own jackets.
• …you have ever ordered Starbucks (or its equivalent) as decaf 1/2 skim 1/2 soy nofoam nowhip
• …every one of your children wears crocs in the snow
• …your primary means of communication with other people is by cell phone. while driving. and drinking your coffee.
• …you never take the time to properly park your larger-than-the-parking-space SUV.
• …long-sleeved turtleneck shirts are the extent of your fashion sense.
• …your pants get tucked in to your boots, no matter the season. Even in summer.
• …you traded in an SUV, mid-size sedan, or a minivan to get a new, roomier minivan with captain’s chairs
• …you refuse to put gas in your own car because “that’s my husband’s job” tee hee hee when actually you don’t know how to use the gas pump.
• …you own more foldable beach/lawn chairs than wooden ones. If you use both indoors, then you may be a redneck soccer mom.
• …you let your kids wander off in a store so you can have some peace and quiet for your cell phone conversation. about what your friends are wearing. and why they should go see a hair stylist.
• …you keep more food in the minivan for the kids than in the cupboards.
• …you drink “chai” because one of your cell phone friends says it’s healthy, and you believe her.
• …you actually have kids that play soccer, but you have no idea how the game is played.
• …you actually have kids that play soccer, and you are rabid with the airhorn every time your kid gets a touch.
• …your idea of “going out to eat” is hitting a McDonalds or Chik-fil-A with an indoor playground so the kids can play instead of eat.
• …the highlight of your day is when one of your cellphone friends actually calls you when you’re driving.
• …your idea of competition is keeping up with your soccer mom neighbors’ purchases.
• …you’ve ever hosted a partylite, tupperware, amway, pampered chef or mary kay party for which you are not the “distributor” or “agent”
• …you have ever been an agent for a pyramid scheme goods company and tattooed your ambition on your car(s) with decals.

BCS Playoffs - 2007 Matchups

Let’s assume for a minute that the NCAA’s FBS, that would be the organization formerly known as Division 1-A, were to institute a playoff system with this years teams.  And just for laughs let’s say it’s a 16-team tournament even though the top 10 teams are the only “BCS bowl” team under the current hokey-ass, lamefied system.  Using that bracket as a basis (go to ESPN if you can’t visualize a 16-team bracket), let’s look at what the matchups would be and which one would be the “best”.  Also, yell loudly when you spot a “bad” game in any round.

First Round:
1 Ohio State vs 16 Tennessee
8 Kansas vs 9 West Virginia

5 Georgia vs 12 Florida
4 Oklahoma vs 13 Illinois (I’m yelling loudly)

3 Virginia Tech vs 14 Boston College
6 Missouri vs 11 Arizona State

7 USC vs 10 Hawaii
2 LSU vs 15 Clemson

The best matchup in this round, if you ask me, is USC vs Hawaii.  I’m tempted to say it’s UGA versus Florida in a rematch of the annual world’s largest cocktail party, but honestly Florida should be scared of UGA right now.  So no, USC vs Hawaii.  We’re talking about Petey Carroll and his pretty boy JD Bootylicious with all that offense taking on Juniper Jones and Colt 45 Brennan and all their offense.  Neither team really does well on defense - yeah, ok USC at least fields 11 capable athletes, but let’s face it that their defense is the reason they’re not in the top 3.

Best chance for an upset:  Arizona State over Missouri in my book.  Though it’s not really an upset, I think WV would take out Kansas as well.  My picks are in bold.

Second Round:
1 Ohio State vs 9 West Virginia
5 Georgia vs 4 Oklahoma
3 Virginia Tech vs 11 Arizona State
7 USC vs 2 LSU

The best game in this round, and probably the best matchup you are going to get out of these teams, is Georgia vs Oklahoma.  Face facts folks, at the end of the 2007 season, Oklahoma is scary good - Georgia is omfg scary good.  Let’s also realize that Georgia was 1 triple overtime Tennessee game versus Kentucky away from being in the SEC title game against LSU, whom they would have taken behind the woodshed and been ranked #1 or #2 at the end of the season - frankly I think they are the hottest team in college football right now - maybe they weren’t for the whole season, but for right now, they are executing with the most horsepower.  But what makes this matchup so great is that Oklahoma is the true #2 team in my opinion.  OU got lots of dap for winning the Big 12 with pollsters, but found themselves at #4 regardless.  Sadly, only one team can move forward, and I’m picking Georgia in a close, physical battle.

Best upset chance: West Virginia destroys Ohio State in a laugher.

Semifinals:
9 West Virginia vs 5 Georgia
3 Virginia Tech vs 2 LSU

I just raved about UGA, so I’ll talk about why VT will beat LSU.  It’s because of Les Miles and his general inability to manage a game; in this match he’s going to do something boneheaded and it’s going to cost his hard-working team the game.  Not to discredit VT, because they are going to put points on the board vs LSU’s mediocre secondary and “hey he breathed on me so throw a flag” mentality.  This team may be spouting about “we were only 2x 3OT losses away from being undefeated”, but at that point, a loss is a loss - if you’re a good enough team, win the game in four quarters and keep your panties on your waist whining about triple overtime.  if your defense could hold a goal line, they wouldn’t have lost either game anyway.  I’ve got VT over LSU somewhere in the 31-20 range.

Championship Game:
5 Georgia vs 3 Virginia Tech

Yes, so it comes down to this for all the hypothetical marbles you want to throw into the circle.  As I already said, Georgia is omfg scary good right now.  Like cakerockstheparty said in such eloquent words, the dawgs are “out for blood”, Turnbull A.C.’s be damned.  I’ve got them taking this tournament against VT in a game somewhere around 27-23 - a close one.

So, if you’re a Georgia fan, let me hear some love! 

Will college football ever see a playoff? Yes.  Will we be old, crotchety men shaking our canes at the TV by then? Maybe.

Technorati Tags: BCS,NCAA,football,college football,Georgia,UGA,sports

Movie Review: The Golden Compass

I went to see the long-awaited “The Golden Compass” today, based on the first story of the His Dark Materials trilogy by Phillip Pullman.  Before I try somewhat feebly to comment on how this movie played out socially and theologically for the uber-religious freaks that think all movies that mention God are evil in echelons of ways, I want to talk about the movie itself and how it relates to the book.

***SPOILER ALERT:  Below this line, I am giving away the movie in bits and pieces.  If you don’t want to read a spoiler for any reason whatsoever, you should stop reading this post here.  Thanks for visiting and have a splendid day.***

I knew from the outset of this movie that we’re looking at an episodic event, since the movie’s opening sequence features a cut in the world made by the subtle knife (from book 2).  It turned out that I was right, and that gave me a bit of a “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” shudder before 5 minutes had even passed.  I was disappointed, but I think it was tastefully done, and it helps to set the stage for the movie for people who’ve not read the story.  Dakota Blue Richards’ opening voiceover about the existence of other worlds as that sequence is playing does well to set the story, but if you’ve read the story you know that she doesn’t understand the “other worlds” concept and traveling between them until the second book; it gives her narration a bit of a retrospect — are we going to see something present-day at the end of the trilogy’s movies?  More on that later.

Despite the 1h54m runtime, I thought the anachronism in the movie (scenes extracted out of order from the book) made sense to me, though I felt penalized because I knew the story when events didn’t fire in my pre-set sequence.  An example of this is the first sequence with Lyra - they are playing and talking about the gobblers, and then she finds herself stuck in the retiring room coat closet.  This is the other way around in the book if I remember properly.  There are several other occurrences like this that are subtle, but they still play well with the story.

What I would have liked was to leave the witches’ liaison intact where Lyra uses the alethiometer to identify Serafina’s cloud-pine branch outside.  It made sense later, because the witches were flying without it in the big battle scene.  In the story, I thought this was a critical point.  It was unclear how Serafina and her clan were able to come to aid at Bolvangar - and overall I felt the roles of the witches were downplayed, probably on purpose to appease the anti-magical-people-in-fictitious-movies sect of organized western religions.

I want to say now that I detested the ending of the movie, but I understand why it is this way.  The second story is pretty short in movie terms, as it’s the shortest of the three stories in the trilogy.  But it certainly does lead us to believe that “The Subtle Knife” will be even more episodic than this movie was.  We are going to see the opening sequence of the second movie leading Lyra and Roger up to watch Roger die and everyone will step into another world for the first time.

Now, let’s discuss briefly the religious impact of this movie and why religious “experts” are crying out against it.

First, I have to say that I am not devoutly dedicated to any religion, but I am a Zen Buddhist of the Rinzai sect; my primary temple is in Kyoto as is the master to whom I pledged.  For you Protestants, think of it as the church where you first began to accept/practice your current denomination.

Now that the table’s set, let’s chat.  There is a lot of public outcry over this movie.  People say that this movie defies God (each word is a separate link).  People generally complain that this movie is written by an atheist, that they google the book and the results are controversial topics like “female castration”, that the movie is about kids who set out to kill God.

First of all, these people are idiots.  Maybe I shouldn’t say that — these people are f’ing idiots.  Yes, that’s better.  Ill-informed religious propaganda based on search results from Google, of all places, and based on the author’s personal religious views. People who say that this book movie is about kids who want to kill God, well, they are not only wrong, they are f’ing wrong.  If you want an accurate plot summary of the movie, go look at IMDb — not Google, not your church’s bulletin board, not your archdiocese email distribution list, and certainly not what your church-friend’s-friend’s-pastor’s-uncle is saying about it.

Secondly, Phillip Pullman didn’t write the screenplay, it was Chris Weitz.  Chris Weitz adapted the screenplay from the novel by Phillip Pullman.  Quick you freaks, go Google Chris Weitz and see if he’s an atheist that wants to kill God or write an anti-religion manifesto.  Go stand outside New Line Cinemas and see if you get drag Chris Weitz into the parking lot and throw holy water on him and flash aluminum foil crosses in his eyes so he might go blind.  Let me know how that works out.

Thirdly, Pullman’s book isn’t based on his own ideas (gasp! oh noes!1!!1), whether he may support the ideas or not is irrelevant.  For anyone who has actually read some literature in their lifetime and who has an average level of intelligence, it is more than obvious that Pullman’s stories are based on John Milton’s epic poem Paradise Lost.  His Dark Materials is based on it, and the actual term “His Dark Materials” is taken directly from it, as in the verse cut below:

Into this wild Abyss,
The womb of Nature, and perhaps her grave,
Of neither sea, nor shore, nor air, nor fire,
But all these in their pregnant causes mixed
Confusedly, and which thus must ever fight,
Unless th’ Almighty Maker them ordain
His dark materials to create more worlds—
Into this wild Abyss the wary Fiend
Stood on the brink of Hell and looked a while,
Pondering his voyage; for no narrow frith
He had to cross.
John Milton, Paradise Lost, Book II

Next time you want to bash a movie because it doesn’t bode well from google, but the trailer looks good, and it’s rated PG-13, here’s a news flash - it’s probably a pretty good movie.  People are saying that it’s trying to promote atheism within children, which is of course a lie, but those people are the same ones who were on the “ban HP books in school libraries” bandwagon because it was about wizards and witches and wanted it replaced with C.S.Lewis’ books about wizards and witches.  I don’t buy your uninformed arguments; I choose to act of my own free will, I choose to let my opinions be formed by myself and not by those who seek to propagandize their discontent, I choose to believe what I feel is best rather than blindly obey out of sheer ignorance.  If you think that’s wrong, fine, but I don’t want to hear about it.

Summary

I thought the movie was slightly above mediocre; I’d give it 3 of 4 stars if I had to rate it.  The acting was ok, the locations were beautifully framed and the chosen scenery was great. The CG and other effects were very good.  The theme sung by Kate Bush at the end I thought was awful - it sounded more like a balladic jam session with a choir.

Dakota Blue Richards stole the show in this movie, but I really wanted to see her be afraid and act like she was actually overcoming something. Maybe we’ll see that in the next book.

Nicole Kidman was about as hot as she has ever been; I thought she played the role of Mrs. Coulter fairly well. But I really wanted to see some emotion out of her, and we didn’t get much except for the deceitful undertones we got from Mrs. Coulter in the story.

Technorati Tags: Golden Compass,movie reviews,opinion,duh,religion,screenplays,google,borderline rants,things cakerockstheparty would say

A Collection of Turds

Men, this post is for you.  Ladies, you’re welcome to play but I fully expect you to learn these things on behalf of your Other.

Men, give me your best euphemisms and descriptions for the categories of toilet experiences that you’ve had.  I’ll compile a list here in this post and we can all develop a bit of urban dictionary to share with our friends and coworkers.

Name	Description
The 25mm	Named for a tank-mounted coaxial gun.  The 25mm is distinguished by multiple series of short, bursty farts with brief pauses for sphincter pinch or beef drops in between.  Usually producible after bbq with baked beans.
The Hurry Up and Wait	When you sit to drop and immediately fill up a bowl’s worth similar to an Artemis Fowl, but there’s that one straggler nugget that just will not drop regardless of sphincter power or stomach strength.  Usually requires “the shake” to remove.  Pretty common among non-water drinkers that eat hot wings
Alphabet Soup	One of my favorites.  The alphabet soup is appropriately called when you examine your lumber and it/they create a fine resemblance to a letter of the alphabet.  The most common letters are J, C and O, oddly enough.  S anyone?
The G’Day Mate	This is labeled when you drop in your contribution and it is spinning counter-clockwise in the toilet.  Combinable with all other labels.  Why do turds float in a circle when deposited? Odd center of gravity?
The Dexter	Named for the popular Showtime series, a Dexter consists of random spatter patterns painting the bowl.  Remember, the smaller the diameter per spatter drop, the higher the initial velocity.  I’m shooting (literally!) for <1mm next time I have this.  Many have to eat chili to get this effect.
The Area 51	I have no idea how this happens, but it does; I blame gravity.  An A51 label is appropriate when you deploy your stink grenades, but they skate down the toilet pipe and aren’t in the bowl when you take a look to analyze.
The Holy Hand Grenade	This isn’t an original name, but an HHG is simply a combined Area 51 (see above) and Spic ‘n Span (see below).  No muss, no fuss!
Scorched Earth	After its fabled computer game, Scorched Earth opens with a wolf-bane howling green napalm fart that sticks to your clothes and makes your eyes water.  Nose hairs may recede.  Warning: known carcinogens may be present, mesothelioma may result.  Turd volume insignificant thereafter.
The Artemis Fowl	Named for dwarves in the popular children’s series by Eoin Colfer.  The AF, for short, is the 21st Century version of the old school power dump.  Volume is key, untouched toilet water must be completely nonexistent.  Recommended only in workplaces and public restrooms where flushing power is known to be very high.  Warning: high potential to plug toilet.  Further recommended where multiple empty stalls exist.
Wizard Stew	(courtesy of urbandictionary.com).  When happening upon a toilet which already contains a whole or partial turd of unknown origin, proceeding to add to said turd without first flushing is creating a wizard stew.
The Spic ‘n Span	As a feat against nature, this is any turd which wipes completely clean on the first pass.  Usually accompanied by a comment such as “hmmph, well ok”.  Higher probability during morning sessions.
The Coup de Pouce	A loose, slippery turd most known for showing itself during a hangover morning.  This “helping hand” is a constipation breaker for many, and the coup de pouce may be brought on by any industrial-strength laxative.  It is rated by the length and thickness of deposited streak marks after the first flush.  Not to be mistaken for an Artemis Fowl; may be combined if warranted.
The Onesy Twosey aka the Turdus Migratorius	Derived from our kids euphemisms, the 1-2 for short is the condition where a man is at a urinal and has to pack up and move to a toilet to complete the maneuver.  Urinal flush optional but recommended.  If pants are not buttoned, the stroll from urinal to toilet is the 1-2 shuffle.  If forced to wait for a stall, you are in the 1-2 pinch.  Sometimes known as the Turdus Migratorius, but this is the actual scientific name for an American robin (I can’t make that up, go google it)
The Upper Decker	Not recommended in your own house or any place where you can be identified.  A UD is done by relieving yourself in the toilet tank rather than in the bowl.  Combinable with other wiping-related conditions for full descriptive effect.
The Taint Pack	I think this is posture-based, honestly.  If you sit up too straight and have high volume, there’s a good chance you’ve done a taint pack.  This is a wiping condition where you need to take about 10 passes with TP to dig out before getting up.  Recommend a few wet wipes for bulk removal operations.
The Double Negative	This is one of the worst conditions to deal with as a bomb-dropper.  The DN is a wiping condition where you realize too late that there’s no TP in your stall, and there’s no other way to get some TP without a DN shuffle to the hand-drying paper towels, only to discover the bathroom you’re in only has the electric hand dryers.  Recommendation, sacrifice underwear if gut condition is stable, otherwise, sacrifice socks and complete job as normal.
The Corn Cob	Combinable with any other condition - this is a classic corn-shaped log.  Double bonus if it actually contains corn in any visible form.
The Turd Blossom	Borrows from its Texas definition, a turd blossom is any turd which is accompanied by a scentless fart.  Double bonus if the fart smells fruity or otherwise sweet.
Turkey Dump	Differing from Turd Ferguson’s definition at a significant risk to the collegiate crowd, a TD is any turd which takes on the shape of a drumstick in either pre-flush or post-flush conditions.  Good sphincter control can produce a turkey dump in many cases.
The Double Bullseye	When you drop a turd nugget pure into the toilet water as to create a splashback that goes inside your still-open asscrack.  Usually followed by a cold sensation inside the spam ring.
Jailbreak aka The Mudbutt	Admittedly I did not create this term but I love it.  A jailbreak is exactly that — usually immediately preceded by a hurried walk or a stiff-thigh robotic jog to the stall.  Once there, many possibilities.  Easily produced after large quantities of mexican food or buffalo wings, especially at the lunch hour.
Dry Dock	This is a vengeance or revenge turd.  A turd that pulls into dry dock should be a large, preferably thick, single log is possible.  Aim is key.  A properly placed dry dock resides either inside the bowl above the water line or, in severely pointed cases, on the toilet seat itself.  Most useful on your last day at a job or other similar moments.
The Yule Log aka Mr. Hankey	A yule log doesn’t have to come around only at the holiday season.  Any single, large log that is so sizeable that it threatens to rip your asshole open when expressed is considered a yule log.  Normally a sign of other internal problems and at the risk of an impacted bowel, the yule log may be a compaction of multiple unspent turds which vary in color and consistency.  Candles, Mistletoe and Hiiiidey Ho! optional.
The Johnny Cash	And it burns, burns, burns:  the ring of fire — the ring of fire.  Possibly brought on by a Jailbreak, but not a requirement.  Could be a sign of liver damage if oddly discolored, especially with an orange tinge.
The Up and Down The Second Wave The Oops I Did it Again The Second Helping	This is a pretty common session.  The U/D happens when you fully express a turd of any description, complete wiping procedures and just as you stand to get dressed, round 2 drops into the breech.  This is so common it’s known by many different names.
The Claymore The Potter’s Delight	Usually confused with an AF, this is the converse of a CdP.  The Claymore is a deep bedrock clay consistency turd, thick like nearly-dry concrete, that may be caused by or may create other situations.  A perfect claymore is not reshaped by the bowl even at maximum flushing power, and generally is only resectioned with a long-handled putty knife or a garden hoe.  No plunger can cut a true claymore for ease of flushing.
The Taint Ripper The Male Episiostomy	Even larger still by comparison to a Yule Log, a TRip is a single log that is so large it literally busts part of the taint seam into an oozing, seeping, painful split.  characterized by thin streaks of blood during wiping — not to be confused with hemorrhoid bleeding which produces larger, rounder deposits of blood and often falls into the bowl during expression.  This session creates a lasting painful condition, depending on frequency of sessions and overall turd size.  Recommend a few Coup de Pouce sessions after this one.

 

I think these ought to set the table.  Ok men, let me hear what you have to add to this list.  Ladies, commit these to memory, become fluent in their meanings, interpret their interchangeability.  You gain style points with any man if you can correct his misuse of the terminology based on description, and you pwn if you can use these to describe your own sessions.

A REAL HP:DH leak thanks to Scholastic’s idiocy

First of all, I’d like to say that I absolutely abhor the killjoy atmosphere which has, for nearly 8 months now, surrounded the release of this book and the much sought-after need to provide some kind of proof/evidence that a person has acquired the manuscript for what will be the best selling children’s book for the next few years to come.

Now that we have dispensed with the niceties, there is a leak in the plumbing, ladies and gentlemen.  Out in the bittorrent community there are some confirmed images capturing the first 500 or so pages of the coming Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows story, due in stores and on doorsteps everywhere this Saturday.  Yours truly has acquired access to said photos, though I have not yet partaken in them, and I currently have not decided if I am going to attempt to read them or not.

I am going to take the title page and include it as a link from this post.  It’s as far as I’d let myself wander down the list of images before I stopped to consider it.

Of significant note, I did not create these images, and I do not know nor do I care who did. I’ll be thumbing my own copy of HP:DH when it arrives here Saturday morning (UPS runs around 9AM here). I also want to say that I’m not going to, at any time, publish screens of the story, especially before the book is released.

I’d say that we can thank our dear idiot friends at Scholastic for getting these books in the hands of booksellers early ~ sure they want to be sure that retailers have time to stock them and they certainly don’t want any stores to not have their titles for a midnight sale on Friday night. But folks, today’s Monday. They could ship these tomorrow and still be in good shape, let’s face it. I agree with another WP poster who claims “so much for heightened security”.

edit: there is a subsequent verified leak out in the community which contains the entire book, photographed as images

HP:DH title page

Is Joey Chestnut a hero?

I didn’t watch today’s wiener slamming competition ~ frankly (npi) I had some better things to do. But, I will say that I was actually pulling for Kobayashi to hold on, just because Takeru is one of my boys’ names and Kobayashi is my wife’s maiden name (no relation), and that’s really about the only reasons.

Watching SportsCenter this evening, the guys are describing Joey Chestnut as a “true American hero”. Really? I’m talking about the guys who were doing the commentary during the competition and not the anchors for SportsCenter. So, a guy who can slam 66 wieners in 12 minutes is a “true American hero” because he out-ate a guy from a different country that happened to slam down 63? Wonderful, so this is what our country has come to. No no no, forget the men and women of the Armed Forces of the United States; forget those who serve in every American community as police, firefighters, medics, doctors, etc.; forget all of those people who dedicate their entire lives to protecting and serving the nation — this guy, this gluttonous iron-gut who can house 19k calories in the time it takes me to eat a single steak dinner — yes, this guy is a real American hero.

Since when do we lay down the hero status in any competition where an American person wins? Here’s a news flash, the average American would die attempting to do what those guys do — and not because of some danger inherent to the profession, but because the average body can’t metabolize that much food. Yet, we glorify it by showing it on TV and making it seem so awesome. You know what contests like this are — I say they are ridiculous.

So, answer this for me: is Joey Chestnut a hero?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix movie tickets sold out

Yes, that’s right. No, not nationwide silly. But here in Denver, at the theater I prefer to visit for movies of this .. well, magnitude.. tickets for the first day’s complete showings of the coming movie Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix sold through online presales sites and from the box office itself are now completely gone.

What does this mean? Well, first of all it means (I hope) that there won’t be a block-wrapping line of freaks who both 1) love the story in a fanatical way and 2) don’t understand the concept of advance purchasing. Long gone, I hope, are the Star Wars: Episode III Times Square lines thanks to folks like Fandango, who will serve you up an online will call ticket with the quicks as long as you pay an extra dollar. And let’s face it, what’s $1 versus the $12 you already are paying, but so that you don’t have to stand in line hoping to get tickets. You’ll spend $4 on a drink and $6 for popcorn, on average, so don’t be miffed away by a $1 convenience charge.

And, yes, I have my tickets.

Heroes Season Finale (episode 23) and micro-spoiler

I have seen the season finale of Heroes, which airs in the US on May 21st. I will first say that I had not exactly (or completely correctly) anticipated what happened, and I think you would have to be among the best of prognosticators in order to get every event exactly right.

I will not be making any general statements about what happens during the episode until after it airs on the 21st, but with a single word I could vastly change what people think about the way this episode is going to shape up without actually giving anything away. It’s pretty unexpected.

A single spoiler word appears on the line below this one. Highlight the next line down if you dare. No refunds on what it does to your ideas if you go there.
edit: 20mins after air. The spoiler word was Simone for those of you who were too afraid to peep it. If you watched the episode, you understand. If you had to DVR it, it doesn’t give anything away like I said.
2nd edit: 22 May 07. I considered the word Noah for this spoiler, but I thought it would just confuse people because, up until last night, we had no idea who Noah was. As an aside, isn’t Noah a poignant name?

In an interview with Masi Oka, he indicated that the last few minutes of this season (more correctly, this Volume, entitled ‘Genesis’) will segue into season 2, which will be Volume 2 ‘Generations’. We don’t know very much about what this means yet, and we only have a glimpse of what it may mean at the end of this season. To quote JK Rowling, I am being shockingly indiscreet. I don’t want to spoil that bit for the people who read these posts.

What are you all looking forward to hearing and/or seeing in the Heroes season finale?

Heroes Episode 20 “Five Years Gone”

I’ve had the opportunity (and trust me, I took it) to watch next week’s episode of Heroes which was initially entitled “String Theory” — this changed in the recent weeks to the current title that will go to air. Oh man oh man, this is one of the best episodes yet! It’s not completely a one-act play like episode 17 was with the showdown at the Bennett’s house, but it’s close.

For me the best part is Claire as a brunette. We see most of the major players, but also the WiFi girl and the Haitian both made appearances despite being absent in the most recent episode.

OOOOhhhh this is getting interesting! I don’t normally get excited about TV, but this is one show that continually improves (despite a somewhat slow storyline at the onset).

Petunia’s Secret

SPOILER WARNING: This post contains theories about HP:DH which give away information that is relevant at the end of HP:HBP. If you have not completed book 6 in the series and do not want to have your happy day spoiled, I suggest against reading this post. You have been warned

I couldn’t think of a good name for the post so I chose something you’d recognize. I want to speculate about Aunt Petunia, about Dumbledore’s protection and what it may mean. Of course, we will find out in about 3.5 months how precisely wrong this may be, but I think it’s a solid theory.

We know very, very well that Dumbledore placed a protection on #4 Privet Drive which would last as long as Harry could call it his home and until he comes of age in book 7. In my reading and re-reading I can’t find exactly what that protection is — we know only that it is something of Dumbledore’s creation, so it must be good and strong. So, we also know very well from several HP-centric sites and from JKR herself that we are going to learn something about Aunt Petunia in book 7 — we are going to learn something very important about Aunt Petunia.

Here’s what I think. Petunia Evans Dursley, a plain-Jane muggle (we have been told she is not a squib) with a witch sister, has a wizard son. Yes, Dudley. I think she knows and Vernon doesn’t know about it, and that the protection Dumbledore cast was designed to suppress Dudley’s magical abilities for as long as Harry was allowed to stay there. Doesn’t it make sense?

Have we noticed that Petunia, and not Vernon, is always lightning-quick to quell Dudley’s anger? It starts on that pattern as early as book 1 when Dudley is about to pitch a fit about how many Christmas presents he got until Petunia interjects an appeasing line to satisfy him. I think she knows that he exhibits some magical tendencies when he’s angry much like we’ve read about Harry (the aunt Marge incident, for one), and her continual desire to satisfy him is only to help suppress who he really is.

What’s out there that Petunia wants to protect more than Dudley? If Dumbledore sent her a howler saying to “remember my last” and she immediately buckled to let Harry stay (without explaining the reason why to Vernon, no less), could you deduce that she is trying to protect the thing she holds most dear? It’s hardly the house itself, as they seem snooty enough to proudly buy another house if something happens on Privet Drive. No, I believe she is protecting Dudley – well, that she thinks she’s protecting Dudley by allowing his magical ability to continue in suppression mode.

Let’s talk about something else. Why else would the dementors attack Dudley in the alley when they were sent by Umbridge to attack Harry instead? I thought this was a pretty large giveaway. Surely dementors can sense magical ability — they are hypersensitive to positive magic. They didn’t bother with Mrs. Figg because she’s a squib (and perhaps she was a little out of the scene at the time), so why bother with Dudley at all, unless…?

The curious part: if Dumbledore is dead, did the protection die with it? Because I think Dumbledore did little more than place a charm which suppressed Dudley’s magical abilities, I think the charm may have expired when Dumbledore died, but that’s a bit of a stretch and there’s a solid chance that the protection will still be in place when Harry gets to their house early on. Now, not all charms expire when their caster dies, otherwise the permanent sticking charm in Sirius’ house would have been a snap to remove, and more simply put, Harry would not have had Lily’s love charm protection for the first 14 years of his life, either. But, we know book 7 will open with Harry still several months away from being 17, and I think we’re going to see Harry show up at his aunt and uncle’s house with that knowledge. I can’t decide if I want him to hold that fact over their heads – at least Petunia’s head – or if I want him to play dumb about it and see what happens on his birthday.

So, what say you to my theory? Petunia’s secret is that Dudley is a wizard whose abilities are being suppressed by Dumbledore’s protection.

edit — 18 April 2007: I think my theory has further backing than I initially thought. During Harry’s hearing in OotP, we hear from Fudge that Muggles can’t see dementors — noone argues that so it must be true. But, if Dudley couldn’t see a dementor, why would Dudley have let out a “horrible, squealing yell” during the attack if he couldn’t see anything?

edit 2 — 24 April 2007: I guess I have found some extra wadding for this theory’s cannon blast. I recall very distinctly reading that JKR said someone in book 7 would manage magic later in life. All this time I have been under the impression that it’s either of our resident squibs — Argus Filch or Mrs. Arabella Figg, since we know it isn’t Petunia. But, what if JKR is referring to Duddypopkins instead? He’s going to be 17 in the story just like Harry — perhaps when he “comes of age” he is subjected to a reintroduction to magic for repressed wizards, or something of the like.