My review of Heavenly Sword (PS3)

First I want to say that I don’t normally write game reviews. Reading through a table of contents for this blog might demonstrate that fact. But, I want to note that this is possibly something I’m going to do more of as my experience with the PS3 grows.

In this episode, I’m going to talk about my experiences and thoughts on Heavenly Sword. The title is only out on PS3 as far as I know. It features time-segmented chapters that guide our main character Nariko through a personal hell with a sword that has the power to banish evil in the hands of its proper beholder. Nariko and her clansmen, including her father Shem, are the last clan of the land to remain free from the unitarian rule of King Bohan, who also seeks the sword as an emblem to demonstrate his power.

The story begins at the end. This is one of those games where you don’t need the instruction manual to tell you how to play; when you encounter something for the first time, the game pauses to teach you how to do it. I think that’s a plus; some people would be annoyed by it. But, the story (the game) begins at the end. Soon after, it begins the “real” game with a trip back in time to learn how the end at the beginning came to be.

Over the chapterized episodes of the story, Nariko (and sometimes her friend Kai) works through pre-defined routes and basically just kicks a lot of ass that leads back to an ultimate good vs. evil fight at the end, which comes full circle back to the beginning of the game.

On the story, I think it’s one of the better stories out there for this type of first-person hack/slash game. Graphically, it’s amazing - especially in the cutscenes, but even during gameplay at a very fast pace, the game and the motions are just wonderfully done.

However, I thought the game needed a bit more freestyle - the possiblity of multiple paths to achieve the same outcome - where some paths are riskier but more rewarding and others are more tame but more mediocre in the end. It is certainly not that kind of game. There are very few places where Nariko or Kai have any choice as to how they can complete an episode.

Being fair, the main focus of this game is hand-to-hand, combination ass whipping courtesy of the heavenly sword itself. It’s a literal button-mashing frenzy that leaves little to be desired for those who enjoy games like mortal kombat or its likes. While it’s combo heavy, it lacks in things like the ability to aim easily. There are many points in the game where you either have to shoot something or throw something, and it’s difficult to aim in some spots because of the movement system, which is pretty NSEW and doesn’t do very well with corner movements.

The boss fights are pretty ho-hum. Yes, they’re difficult at first, but once you learn how to counter-attack properly (in like chapter 2) then these fights are really not that difficult. Even the last fight of the game is not hard for a player who can counter properly and consistently.

Once you beat the game, you unlock a new mode called “Hell mode”. I didn’t bother to try it; I’d had my fill of hack by the time I beat it the first time.

Overall - I’d rate Heavenly Sword with the following scores:
Gameplay: 8
Challenge: 6
Graphics: 10
Fun factor: 8.5
Replay value: 7.5
Total: 8.25

Would I recommend this game to someone else? Yes, if you can find a used copy. Don’t spend $60 for a new one.

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Sign your name and your ID to hook up online and do some racing. I will add anyone who posts their number. My friend code is:

0774-4678-5003

You Might be a Soccer Mom if…

I’m not quite done with this post yet, but I’m going to go ahead and publish it anyway. I’m sure that I’ll get mixed reviews since I have a pretty cynical, mixed gender audience. I mean to entertain as well as offer up some personal frustrations associated with living in Denver, the land of the California transplants cross-bred with 400k illegal immigrants - if it’s not funny, no refunds; you’re not obligated to read.

Here’s a not so new take on a concept that is recently just getting me more and more upset with American society - behold, the advent of the soccer mom and her place in the world. Much akin to the redneck in many regards, I have uncovered several behavioral habits and nuances and made several observations which may help you to identify if you are indeed one of this breed. I’m sorry if you are.

You might be a soccer mom if…

• …you own more down vests than you own jackets.
• …you have ever ordered Starbucks (or its equivalent) as decaf 1/2 skim 1/2 soy nofoam nowhip
• …every one of your children wears crocs in the snow
• …your primary means of communication with other people is by cell phone. while driving. and drinking your coffee.
• …you never take the time to properly park your larger-than-the-parking-space SUV.
• …long-sleeved turtleneck shirts are the extent of your fashion sense.
• …your pants get tucked in to your boots, no matter the season. Even in summer.
• …you traded in an SUV, mid-size sedan, or a minivan to get a new, roomier minivan with captain’s chairs
• …you refuse to put gas in your own car because “that’s my husband’s job” tee hee hee when actually you don’t know how to use the gas pump.
• …you own more foldable beach/lawn chairs than wooden ones. If you use both indoors, then you may be a redneck soccer mom.
• …you let your kids wander off in a store so you can have some peace and quiet for your cell phone conversation. about what your friends are wearing. and why they should go see a hair stylist.
• …you keep more food in the minivan for the kids than in the cupboards.
• …you drink “chai” because one of your cell phone friends says it’s healthy, and you believe her.
• …you actually have kids that play soccer, but you have no idea how the game is played.
• …you actually have kids that play soccer, and you are rabid with the airhorn every time your kid gets a touch.
• …your idea of “going out to eat” is hitting a McDonalds or Chik-fil-A with an indoor playground so the kids can play instead of eat.
• …the highlight of your day is when one of your cellphone friends actually calls you when you’re driving.
• …your idea of competition is keeping up with your soccer mom neighbors’ purchases.
• …you’ve ever hosted a partylite, tupperware, amway, pampered chef or mary kay party for which you are not the “distributor” or “agent”
• …you have ever been an agent for a pyramid scheme goods company and tattooed your ambition on your car(s) with decals.

So, I Now Have a PS3

Eventually, I knew this would happen; eventually, I knew there would be a line crossed from which the temptation could not be overcome; eventually, I knew that I would find myself owning one of Sony’s most love-hate debated toys, the convexoconvex-shaped obsidian-black PS3.  I have the 40GB model, which means I was also treated to a comp of Spiderman 3 (THWIPP!) on Blu-Ray and I got a single sixaxis controller, but that was about it.

My first thought was something like “damn this hog is heavy” when I compare it to the Wii, which is about the size and weight of 3 DVD cases stacked together.  Granted, the Wii isn’t the biggest badass in gaming over the last year+ and it isn’t the most highly rated fun machine in the universe … oh wait, yeah it is.  Ok so granted, the Wii doesn’t advertise 1080p graphics and Blu-Ray playback, but my dissertation on the Wii is a different post.  The point is, the PS3 is a big bitch, and she’s got a fat ass to go with it; must be a Georgia girl.

Of course I had to have a game with it to justify taking it out of the box.  My game of choice - Rock Band.  As the proud owner of GH3 on Wii, and a prior owner of GH2 and GH2 80’s encore both on PS2, I have to admit that I’m pretty sold on the GH line of games except for the coming title that is GH:Aerosmith.  While I believe Joe Perry is one of the iconic music figures of the last 30 years, there are a zillion people who don’t think so and the target audience for GH:Aerosmith is going to be the 30+ crowd since today’s heavy gamers aren’t old enough to truly respect Aerosmith’s heyday.  Anyway, second sidebar finished.  I got Rock Band.  I love it. 

Most people who are experience GH players will say Rock Band is “too easy” in its guitar parts.  What I’ve played of the guitar sets, comparing the “Hard” level difficulty on both games, I am inclined to agree that GH3 is “harder” than Rock Band at the end of the game.  I haven’t played through Rock Band on “Expert” with the guitar yet so I don’t know how it stacks up.  HOWEVER, that is where the comparisons effectively end.  In every other way - from character creation to online play to downloadable music (I’m biased here b/c of GH3 on Wii and RB on PS3) to just the overall soundtrack of the game - RB is hands down better than GH3.  Plus, if I get bored of “Green Grass and High Tides Forever” on expert, I can always plug in the microphone and sing while I play for an added challenge that GH3 could never provide.  My only knock on Rock Band is that there should be a tour mode available for the bass guitar parts - bass is pretty fun in RB.

Back to the PS3 itself.  I found the “home” menu a little unwieldy, honestly.  Sure it has all of the options, but the fishbone layout is nearly awful and some features aren’t where I’d expect them to be in their main menu categories.  The sixaxis controller, regardless of the palindrome, is actually pretty nice once it gets a full charge - I learned that I could just charge it off of my PC instead of leaving the PS3 on for years, so that helped.  My one other knock on the PS3 overall is that it doesn’t have a standby mode.  It is either fully on or fully off with no happy medium.  But that is where the Wii smokes it with its messaging protocol/feature.  My blue Wii lights are flashing right now, even.

What I need in order to make the PS3 a mainstay at home - some family titles like stuff I could do with my boys.  Assassin’s Creed doesn’t quite cut it, neither does COD4, Heavenly Sword or GTA4, though those titles would be great for me by myself.  The EA sports line just won’t ever make it at my house because, except for Tiger Woods’ golf games, their sports games blow.  The other thing that needs to happen here is that Sony needs to branch out and stop reaching into only the heaviest gamer genres with their titles.  They could certainly take a lesson from Nintendo on this one.  But, now that the Blu-Ray versus HD-DVD (HHD DVVDD BVD for those in the know) battle is officially over, it looks like PS3 sales are going to have a leg to stand on, finally.

Is Super Tuesday Really all that Super?

Do I even need to type anything in this post? Ok, so round abouts half of the delegates to select each party’s candidate for president is up for grabs on 2/5. My state (of Colorado) is one of them; honestly I haven’t heard jack about it on either side. As a disclaimer I refuse to watch network television anymore because it is all shows about either sex, money, drugs, or crime; usually a combination of at least 2 of those. But I listen to the radio in my car, and I hear nothing. What’s more is that my city (being Denver) is hosting the damned DNC this year, and nobody is campaigning here.

Maybe I should say, “does that fact that someone comes here to campaign actually matter to me?” to which the answer is “probably not”. I don’t base my vote on who arrives at their pep rally closest to my house first. While I am a registered democrat, I really could give a rat’s ass about which party I vote for. I’m going to vote for the person with whom I can most directly identify my priorities as their priorities; right now that isn’t anyone because no one is campaigning in Colorado. Our 9 votes aren’t worth jack even though this state is always very close to 50/50 in partisan races.

So, is it really super Tuesday? Or is it just another “wake up and go to work but take 15 90 minutes off to go vote” Tuesday?

Does Santa Claus exist? Of course!

update: I posted this last year; I’m reposting it for 2007.
update: I made very minor updates to this post on 12/28/06
(Most of this historical information is from Wikipedia)

Around 350AD, a Greek Orthodox bishop of Myra in Asia Minor named Nikolaos, now called Hagios Nikolaos died. In Greek, Hagios Nikolaos means “Saint Nicholas”. Nicholas was famous for his generous gifts to the poor, in particular presenting the three impoverished daughters of a pious Christian with dowries so that they would not have to become prostitutes. He was born at Patara, province of Lycia, Asia Minor. He was very religious from an early age and devoted his life entirely to Christianity.

In Europe (more precisely the Netherlands, Belgium, Austria and Germany) he is still portrayed as a bearded bishop in canonical robes. (the canonical robes of ancient Greek Orthodox bishops where what color? Yes, red). The relics of St. Nicholas were transported to Bari in southern Italy by some enterprising Italian merchants; a basilica was constructed in 1087 to house them and the area became a pilgrimage site for the devout. Saint Nicholas became revered by many as the patron saint of seamen, merchants, archers, children, prostitutes, pharmacists, lawyers, pawnbrokers, prisoners, the city of Amsterdam and of Russia.

WordPress’ own Parallel Divergence is running an article on how Google Earth killed Santa. I thoroughly enjoy their take on how kids are smarter than parents think these days. In reply, I must say that Santa not only lived, but he is already dead (and somewhat thankfully not at the hands of Google Earth). It’s the spirit of the Greek Orthodox saint we know as Santa Claus which lives on today. It’s just unfortunate that Americans bastardize it in such a grandiose fashion.

Is this what I tell my kids? Absolutely. Why spoil their minds with known lies when the truth about Santa Claus is so much easier to explain? I hear all you soccer moms right now spouting off under your breath about how ridiculous it sounds to teach kids that Santa Claus is dead. Let me ask you people something: Why is Santa Claus a part of Christmas? I bet you don’t know the answer. He lived nearly 4 centuries after your Jesus of Nazareth, yet we so rampantly (and don’t get my wheels spinning on this side subject) spend billions of dollars (nearly 500 billion in 2005) between the fourth Friday in November and December 24th in hopes to somehow satisfy our kids’ needs mindlessly while not remembering the 2 main things happening on December 25th. Attention soccer moms: What are the 2 things celebrated on Christmas Day? I bet you don’t know the answer. I bet Bible-thumping Laura Mallory doesn’t even know the answer. If you do know the answer, why are you out spending an average of $816 on gifts?

Here’s some advice: go back and get in your Yukon, your Suburban, your Lexus SUV, and go to the mall (and learn how to park those damn hogs properly). Go stand in line at Starbucks and order the cafe mocha halfsoy halfskim nowhip nofoam (more commands than a linux boot prompt). Go over to R.E.I and try on all the newest goose down vests and argue with your little snobby kids about which shade of lavender better matches your skis and your Dooney & Bourke handbag. Go spend all your husband’s money on stuff your mindlessly disobedient kid is going to use for 10 minutes and then dismiss as stupid because you have no idea what he likes. If this is you, then do us a favor and don’t have any more kids. All we need is another generation of soccer moms.

Yes, I tell my children that Santa Claus is a Christian saint who lived and died in the 4th century and was generous to the poor (what do you mean you haven’t taught your kids about death?); I tell my boys that Christmas should remind them what it means to be generous to others who have less than they do; I tell my children that any gifts they get any time of the year are a result of their own generosity, and so they should try to give whenever possible. What I do not tell my children is that Santa Claus brings them presents, because it’s a lie; I do not lead them to believe that they must obey my every command for an entire year or they will get nothing, because that’s a lie; I do not let my children get disillusioned by fairy tales of some fat man in a red suit flying through the sky with a herd of reindeer delivering gifts to every kid in the world in about a 10 hour span, because it’s a lie (and also because this gift exchange is not on 12/25 all over the world, if you think it is, please stop thinking).

In summary, yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. It’s unfortunate, though, that you will probably never know the real truth because your parents are probably too stupid to know.