Does Santa Claus exist? Of course!

update: I posted this last year; I’m reposting it for 2007.
update: I made very minor updates to this post on 12/28/06
(Most of this historical information is from Wikipedia)

Around 350AD, a Greek Orthodox bishop of Myra in Asia Minor named Nikolaos, now called Hagios Nikolaos died. In Greek, Hagios Nikolaos means “Saint Nicholas”. Nicholas was famous for his generous gifts to the poor, in particular presenting the three impoverished daughters of a pious Christian with dowries so that they would not have to become prostitutes. He was born at Patara, province of Lycia, Asia Minor. He was very religious from an early age and devoted his life entirely to Christianity.

In Europe (more precisely the Netherlands, Belgium, Austria and Germany) he is still portrayed as a bearded bishop in canonical robes. (the canonical robes of ancient Greek Orthodox bishops where what color? Yes, red). The relics of St. Nicholas were transported to Bari in southern Italy by some enterprising Italian merchants; a basilica was constructed in 1087 to house them and the area became a pilgrimage site for the devout. Saint Nicholas became revered by many as the patron saint of seamen, merchants, archers, children, prostitutes, pharmacists, lawyers, pawnbrokers, prisoners, the city of Amsterdam and of Russia.

WordPress’ own Parallel Divergence is running an article on how Google Earth killed Santa. I thoroughly enjoy their take on how kids are smarter than parents think these days. In reply, I must say that Santa not only lived, but he is already dead (and somewhat thankfully not at the hands of Google Earth). It’s the spirit of the Greek Orthodox saint we know as Santa Claus which lives on today. It’s just unfortunate that Americans bastardize it in such a grandiose fashion.

Is this what I tell my kids? Absolutely. Why spoil their minds with known lies when the truth about Santa Claus is so much easier to explain? I hear all you soccer moms right now spouting off under your breath about how ridiculous it sounds to teach kids that Santa Claus is dead. Let me ask you people something: Why is Santa Claus a part of Christmas? I bet you don’t know the answer. He lived nearly 4 centuries after your Jesus of Nazareth, yet we so rampantly (and don’t get my wheels spinning on this side subject) spend billions of dollars (nearly 500 billion in 2005) between the fourth Friday in November and December 24th in hopes to somehow satisfy our kids’ needs mindlessly while not remembering the 2 main things happening on December 25th. Attention soccer moms: What are the 2 things celebrated on Christmas Day? I bet you don’t know the answer. I bet Bible-thumping Laura Mallory doesn’t even know the answer. If you do know the answer, why are you out spending an average of $816 on gifts?

Here’s some advice: go back and get in your Yukon, your Suburban, your Lexus SUV, and go to the mall (and learn how to park those damn hogs properly). Go stand in line at Starbucks and order the cafe mocha halfsoy halfskim nowhip nofoam (more commands than a linux boot prompt). Go over to R.E.I and try on all the newest goose down vests and argue with your little snobby kids about which shade of lavender better matches your skis and your Dooney & Bourke handbag. Go spend all your husband’s money on stuff your mindlessly disobedient kid is going to use for 10 minutes and then dismiss as stupid because you have no idea what he likes. If this is you, then do us a favor and don’t have any more kids. All we need is another generation of soccer moms.

Yes, I tell my children that Santa Claus is a Christian saint who lived and died in the 4th century and was generous to the poor (what do you mean you haven’t taught your kids about death?); I tell my boys that Christmas should remind them what it means to be generous to others who have less than they do; I tell my children that any gifts they get any time of the year are a result of their own generosity, and so they should try to give whenever possible. What I do not tell my children is that Santa Claus brings them presents, because it’s a lie; I do not lead them to believe that they must obey my every command for an entire year or they will get nothing, because that’s a lie; I do not let my children get disillusioned by fairy tales of some fat man in a red suit flying through the sky with a herd of reindeer delivering gifts to every kid in the world in about a 10 hour span, because it’s a lie (and also because this gift exchange is not on 12/25 all over the world, if you think it is, please stop thinking).

In summary, yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. It’s unfortunate, though, that you will probably never know the real truth because your parents are probably too stupid to know.

BCS Playoffs - 2007 Matchups

Let’s assume for a minute that the NCAA’s FBS, that would be the organization formerly known as Division 1-A, were to institute a playoff system with this years teams.  And just for laughs let’s say it’s a 16-team tournament even though the top 10 teams are the only “BCS bowl” team under the current hokey-ass, lamefied system.  Using that bracket as a basis (go to ESPN if you can’t visualize a 16-team bracket), let’s look at what the matchups would be and which one would be the “best”.  Also, yell loudly when you spot a “bad” game in any round.

First Round:
1 Ohio State vs 16 Tennessee
8 Kansas vs 9 West Virginia

5 Georgia vs 12 Florida
4 Oklahoma vs 13 Illinois (I’m yelling loudly)

3 Virginia Tech vs 14 Boston College
6 Missouri vs 11 Arizona State

7 USC vs 10 Hawaii
2 LSU vs 15 Clemson

The best matchup in this round, if you ask me, is USC vs Hawaii.  I’m tempted to say it’s UGA versus Florida in a rematch of the annual world’s largest cocktail party, but honestly Florida should be scared of UGA right now.  So no, USC vs Hawaii.  We’re talking about Petey Carroll and his pretty boy JD Bootylicious with all that offense taking on Juniper Jones and Colt 45 Brennan and all their offense.  Neither team really does well on defense - yeah, ok USC at least fields 11 capable athletes, but let’s face it that their defense is the reason they’re not in the top 3.

Best chance for an upset:  Arizona State over Missouri in my book.  Though it’s not really an upset, I think WV would take out Kansas as well.  My picks are in bold.

Second Round:
1 Ohio State vs 9 West Virginia
5 Georgia vs 4 Oklahoma
3 Virginia Tech vs 11 Arizona State
7 USC vs 2 LSU

The best game in this round, and probably the best matchup you are going to get out of these teams, is Georgia vs Oklahoma.  Face facts folks, at the end of the 2007 season, Oklahoma is scary good - Georgia is omfg scary good.  Let’s also realize that Georgia was 1 triple overtime Tennessee game versus Kentucky away from being in the SEC title game against LSU, whom they would have taken behind the woodshed and been ranked #1 or #2 at the end of the season - frankly I think they are the hottest team in college football right now - maybe they weren’t for the whole season, but for right now, they are executing with the most horsepower.  But what makes this matchup so great is that Oklahoma is the true #2 team in my opinion.  OU got lots of dap for winning the Big 12 with pollsters, but found themselves at #4 regardless.  Sadly, only one team can move forward, and I’m picking Georgia in a close, physical battle.

Best upset chance: West Virginia destroys Ohio State in a laugher.

Semifinals:
9 West Virginia vs 5 Georgia
3 Virginia Tech vs 2 LSU

I just raved about UGA, so I’ll talk about why VT will beat LSU.  It’s because of Les Miles and his general inability to manage a game; in this match he’s going to do something boneheaded and it’s going to cost his hard-working team the game.  Not to discredit VT, because they are going to put points on the board vs LSU’s mediocre secondary and “hey he breathed on me so throw a flag” mentality.  This team may be spouting about “we were only 2x 3OT losses away from being undefeated”, but at that point, a loss is a loss - if you’re a good enough team, win the game in four quarters and keep your panties on your waist whining about triple overtime.  if your defense could hold a goal line, they wouldn’t have lost either game anyway.  I’ve got VT over LSU somewhere in the 31-20 range.

Championship Game:
5 Georgia vs 3 Virginia Tech

Yes, so it comes down to this for all the hypothetical marbles you want to throw into the circle.  As I already said, Georgia is omfg scary good right now.  Like cakerockstheparty said in such eloquent words, the dawgs are “out for blood”, Turnbull A.C.’s be damned.  I’ve got them taking this tournament against VT in a game somewhere around 27-23 - a close one.

So, if you’re a Georgia fan, let me hear some love! 

Will college football ever see a playoff? Yes.  Will we be old, crotchety men shaking our canes at the TV by then? Maybe.

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