Against the Grain

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Archive for the ‘advice’ Category

A Few Notes on Flatulence

Posted by Patrick on 20 Aug 2007

No man’s blog would be complete without a steady dose of toilet humor, I’ve decided.  Let’s face it, most men are little more than primal in bodily function and etiquette pertaining to bodily function.  What do I mean? Well if it isn’t obvious, ok.  Guys agree that methane-based assgas is an acceptable icebreaker when surrounded only by other guys; in this case, the more the merrier — volume matters, and the fresher the better.  If it lingers in your flannel shirt and survives a wash cycle, it was perfect potency.

A real guy doesn’t use a nose/ear hair trimmer, we just singe them into reverse by this method.  I’m an engineer; in my workgroup there’s a solid number of guys and there’s not a day that goes by without being subjected to a contact high from some cropdusted bratwurst bubbles.  Some people get their high by doing things like running or biking to an extreme, but not guys — real guys.  No, it’s usually the pungent fragrance of hot napalm from 50 yards that sets a guy into a near-euphoric state.

Consider it, when a guy encounters ground-zero, there’s a ritual.  Step 1 — loudly inquire as to learn who shat themself.  Step 2 — without moving an inch, take the deepest possible breath to inhale all that floral residue and discern a guy’s personal brand from the lower-level stench receptors at the base of the nasal cavity.  Step 3 — begin hand-wafting the air to enhance the speed of travel in windless environments.  Step 4 — proceed with original course, if not forgotten.

However, let’s also speak to dispel the innocence of women in this category.  Ladies, ok, stop saying that you don’t fart; stop saying that your farts don’t stink; stop trying to deny yourself a colon-vibrating sphincter rupture when one is due.  In the name of all things sacred, just let that gas go.  If you earn anything, it’s respect from any guy within the blast radius or earshot, as appropriate.  What is it with the daintiness of a woman that makes a real cheek-shaker so taboo?  I mean, women will sit down with a group of guys at the lunch table and absolutely house it no matter what’s on the menu, but then there’s no glory afterwards.

I’m here to tell you women out there that can’t stand to just unload one:  in public, SBDs are your friend.  The woman I married has mastered this art, and so should you.  Furthermore, all women should master the bed blaster.  What is this, you ask?  The bed blaster is when you wait for your spouse/partner to crawl into bed, of course they want to get it on nightly.  Step 2 is to firmly seal the air pocket between you and your Other, creating 2 personal bubbles.  Step 3, unload your worst taco salad and fondue marshmallow cocktail — if some proverbial cheese hits the sheets, even better but clean it up immediately after you stop laughing.  So, you’ve beefed into your air bubble.  Step 4, give the bubble 5 seconds to rot, then in a single motion you pull all of the sheets and stuff over your Other’s head while you dismount the bed and recreate a seal with only your Other in it.  The thicker blankets you have on the bed, the better.  If you ladies can master this task with your Other, not only will it earn you a side-splitting fit of laughter, but you’ll gain so much respect in your Other’s mind.  It’s the absolute key to fostering a long-term relationship with a guy, especially, because a guy’s connection with others is based on the smell of their ass, after all.

In summary, ladies, you have a lot to learn if you’re yet to master this ancient art.  As our generation of young girls moves more to the “I-have-to-have-this-pair-of-uber-expensive-pants” insecurity, I’m afraid that the tradition described here is becoming a bit lost in the cultural gap between regular human beings and adolescent girls.  While my attempts to add this bit of chivalry to collegiate curricula have, of yet, been unsuccessful, I’m confident that the mothers of this generation (that would be the set of 20-40yo women with children) can sway the tide in favor of history.


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