Against the Grain

Slightly more than just jibba jabba

Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

You Might be a Soccer Mom if…

Posted by Patrick on 6 Apr 2008

I’m not quite done with this post yet, but I’m going to go ahead and publish it anyway. I’m sure that I’ll get mixed reviews since I have a pretty cynical, mixed gender audience. I mean to entertain as well as offer up some personal frustrations associated with living in Denver, the land of the California transplants cross-bred with 400k illegal immigrants – if it’s not funny, no refunds; you’re not obligated to read.

Here’s a not so new take on a concept that is recently just getting me more and more upset with American society – behold, the advent of the soccer mom and her place in the world. Much akin to the redneck in many regards, I have uncovered several behavioral habits and nuances and made several observations which may help you to identify if you are indeed one of this breed. I’m sorry if you are.

You might be a soccer mom if…

  • …you own more down vests than you own jackets.
  • …you have ever ordered Starbucks (or its equivalent) as decaf 1/2 skim 1/2 soy nofoam nowhip
  • …every one of your children wears crocs in the snow
  • …your primary means of communication with other people is by cell phone. while driving. and drinking your coffee.
  • …you never take the time to properly park your larger-than-the-parking-space SUV.
  • …long-sleeved turtleneck shirts are the extent of your fashion sense.
  • …your pants get tucked in to your boots, no matter the season. Even in summer.
  • …you traded in an SUV, mid-size sedan, or a minivan to get a new, roomier minivan with captain’s chairs
  • …you refuse to put gas in your own car because “that’s my husband’s job” tee hee hee when actually you don’t know how to use the gas pump.
  • …you own more foldable beach/lawn chairs than wooden ones. If you use both indoors, then you may be a redneck soccer mom.
  • …you let your kids wander off in a store so you can have some peace and quiet for your cell phone conversation. about what your friends are wearing. and why they should go see a hair stylist.
  • …you keep more food in the minivan for the kids than in the cupboards.
  • …you drink “chai” because one of your cell phone friends says it’s healthy, and you believe her.
  • …you actually have kids that play soccer, but you have no idea how the game is played.
  • …you actually have kids that play soccer, and you are rabid with the airhorn every time your kid gets a touch.
  • …your idea of “going out to eat” is hitting a McDonalds or Chik-fil-A with an indoor playground so the kids can play instead of eat.
  • …the highlight of your day is when one of your cellphone friends actually calls you when you’re driving.
  • …your idea of competition is keeping up with your soccer mom neighbors’ purchases.
  • …you’ve ever hosted a partylite, tupperware, amway, pampered chef or mary kay party for which you are not the “distributor” or “agent”
  • …you have ever been an agent for a pyramid scheme goods company and tattooed your ambition on your car(s) with decals.

Posted in humor, omfg, opinion, the bastardization of America | Tagged: , , | 3 Comments »

BCS Playoffs – 2007 Matchups

Posted by Patrick on 13 Dec 2007

Let’s assume for a minute that the NCAA’s FBS, that would be the organization formerly known as Division 1-A, were to institute a playoff system with this years teams.  And just for laughs let’s say it’s a 16-team tournament even though the top 10 teams are the only “BCS bowl” team under the current hokey-ass, lamefied system.  Using that bracket as a basis (go to ESPN if you can’t visualize a 16-team bracket), let’s look at what the matchups would be and which one would be the “best”.  Also, yell loudly when you spot a “bad” game in any round.

First Round:
1 Ohio State
vs 16 Tennessee
8 Kansas vs 9 West Virginia

5 Georgia vs 12 Florida
4 Oklahoma vs 13 Illinois (I’m yelling loudly)

3 Virginia Tech vs 14 Boston College
6 Missouri vs 11 Arizona State

7 USC vs 10 Hawaii
2 LSU vs 15 Clemson

The best matchup in this round, if you ask me, is USC vs Hawaii.  I’m tempted to say it’s UGA versus Florida in a rematch of the annual world’s largest cocktail party, but honestly Florida should be scared of UGA right now.  So no, USC vs Hawaii.  We’re talking about Petey Carroll and his pretty boy JD Bootylicious with all that offense taking on Juniper Jones and Colt 45 Brennan and all their offense.  Neither team really does well on defense – yeah, ok USC at least fields 11 capable athletes, but let’s face it that their defense is the reason they’re not in the top 3.

Best chance for an upset:  Arizona State over Missouri in my book.  Though it’s not really an upset, I think WV would take out Kansas as well.  My picks are in bold.

Second Round:
1
Ohio State vs 9 West Virginia
5 Georgia vs 4
Oklahoma
3 Virginia Tech vs 11
Arizona State
7 USC vs 2 LSU

The best game in this round, and probably the best matchup you are going to get out of these teams, is Georgia vs Oklahoma.  Face facts folks, at the end of the 2007 season, Oklahoma is scary good – Georgia is omfg scary good.  Let’s also realize that Georgia was 1 triple overtime Tennessee game versus Kentucky away from being in the SEC title game against LSU, whom they would have taken behind the woodshed and been ranked #1 or #2 at the end of the season – frankly I think they are the hottest team in college football right now – maybe they weren’t for the whole season, but for right now, they are executing with the most horsepower.  But what makes this matchup so great is that Oklahoma is the true #2 team in my opinion.  OU got lots of dap for winning the Big 12 with pollsters, but found themselves at #4 regardless.  Sadly, only one team can move forward, and I’m picking Georgia in a close, physical battle.

Best upset chance: West Virginia destroys Ohio State in a laugher.

Semifinals:
9
West Virginia vs 5 Georgia
3 Virginia Tech vs 2
LSU

I just raved about UGA, so I’ll talk about why VT will beat LSU.  It’s because of Les Miles and his general inability to manage a game; in this match he’s going to do something boneheaded and it’s going to cost his hard-working team the game.  Not to discredit VT, because they are going to put points on the board vs LSU’s mediocre secondary and “hey he breathed on me so throw a flag” mentality.  This team may be spouting about “we were only 2x 3OT losses away from being undefeated”, but at that point, a loss is a loss – if you’re a good enough team, win the game in four quarters and keep your panties on your waist whining about triple overtime.  if your defense could hold a goal line, they wouldn’t have lost either game anyway.  I’ve got VT over LSU somewhere in the 31-20 range.

Championship Game:
5 Georgia vs 3
Virginia Tech

Yes, so it comes down to this for all the hypothetical marbles you want to throw into the circle.  As I already said, Georgia is omfg scary good right now.  Like cakerockstheparty said in such eloquent words, the dawgs are “out for blood”, Turnbull A.C.’s be damned.  I’ve got them taking this tournament against VT in a game somewhere around 27-23 – a close one.

So, if you’re a Georgia fan, let me hear some love! 

Will college football ever see a playoff? Yes.  Will we be old, crotchety men shaking our canes at the TV by then? Maybe.

Posted in educational, entertainment, football, humor, NCAA, News Items, omfg, opinion, sports, what would happen if... | 3 Comments »

How Computer-Savvy is Your Mate

Posted by Patrick on 9 Dec 2007

If you’re reading this post, you can at least wield a mouse and keyboard enough to search for something on Google or your favorite search engine, or you can navigate wordpress fairly well.  How about your significant other?  I’ve devised a quick little quiz to bring out the true nature of your mate’s overall computer skills.  You may play along if you wish.

1. What is the commonly-used name for these compressed file types?
a.  .zip
b.  .rar
c.  .tar.gz

2.  Which one of these isn’t a popular GNU/Linux distribution?
a.  Fedora
b.  Slackware
c.  Xubuntu
d.  Leftish

3.  Which one of these is not a web browser?
a. Concerto
b. Flock
c. Opera
d. SeaMonkey

4.  Which one of these is not a common PC input type?
a.  RJ-45
b.  RG-11
c.  RCA
d.  SATA

5.  Which of these protocols operates at the fastest speed?
a.  USB 2.0
b.  DS-3
c.  Firewire
d.  ATA

 

How did you do?

Posted in educational, humor, men, random, technology, women | Leave a Comment »

A Collection of Turds

Posted by Patrick on 29 Nov 2007

Men, this post is for you.  Ladies, you’re welcome to play but I fully expect you to learn these things on behalf of your Other.

Men, give me your best euphemisms and descriptions for the categories of toilet experiences that you’ve had.  I’ll compile a list here in this post and we can all develop a bit of urban dictionary to share with our friends and coworkers.

Name

Description

The 25mm

Named for a tank-mounted coaxial gun.  The 25mm is distinguished by multiple series of short, bursty farts with brief pauses for sphincter pinch or beef drops in between.  Usually producible after bbq with baked beans.
The Hurry Up and Wait When you sit to drop and immediately fill up a bowl’s worth similar to an Artemis Fowl, but there’s that one straggler nugget that just will not drop regardless of sphincter power or stomach strength.  Usually requires “the shake” to remove.  Pretty common among non-water drinkers that eat hot wings
Alphabet Soup One of my favorites.  The alphabet soup is appropriately called when you examine your lumber and it/they create a fine resemblance to a letter of the alphabet.  The most common letters are J, C and O, oddly enough.  S anyone?
The G’Day Mate This is labeled when you drop in your contribution and it is spinning counter-clockwise in the toilet.  Combinable with all other labels.  Why do turds float in a circle when deposited? Odd center of gravity?
The Dexter Named for the popular Showtime series, a Dexter consists of random spatter patterns painting the bowl.  Remember, the smaller the diameter per spatter drop, the higher the initial velocity.  I’m shooting (literally!) for <1mm next time I have this.  Many have to eat chili to get this effect.
The Area 51 I have no idea how this happens, but it does; I blame gravity.  An A51 label is appropriate when you deploy your stink grenades, but they skate down the toilet pipe and aren’t in the bowl when you take a look to analyze.
The Holy Hand Grenade This isn’t an original name, but an HHG is simply a combined Area 51 (see above) and Spic ‘n Span (see below).  No muss, no fuss!
Scorched Earth After its fabled computer game, Scorched Earth opens with a wolf-bane howling green napalm fart that sticks to your clothes and makes your eyes water.  Nose hairs may recede.  Warning: known carcinogens may be present, mesothelioma may result.  Turd volume insignificant thereafter.
The Artemis Fowl Named for dwarves in the popular children’s series by Eoin Colfer.  The AF, for short, is the 21st Century version of the old school power dump.  Volume is key, untouched toilet water must be completely nonexistent.  Recommended only in workplaces and public restrooms where flushing power is known to be very high.  Warning: high potential to plug toilet.  Further recommended where multiple empty stalls exist.
Wizard Stew (courtesy of urbandictionary.com).  When happening upon a toilet which already contains a whole or partial turd of unknown origin, proceeding to add to said turd without first flushing is creating a wizard stew.
The Spic ‘n Span As a feat against nature, this is any turd which wipes completely clean on the first pass.  Usually accompanied by a comment such as “hmmph, well ok”.  Higher probability during morning sessions.
The Coup de Pouce A loose, slippery turd most known for showing itself during a hangover morning.  This “helping hand” is a constipation breaker for many, and the coup de pouce may be brought on by any industrial-strength laxative.  It is rated by the length and thickness of deposited streak marks after the first flush.  Not to be mistaken for an Artemis Fowl; may be combined if warranted.
The Onesy Twosey aka the Turdus Migratorius Derived from our kids euphemisms, the 1-2 for short is the condition where a man is at a urinal and has to pack up and move to a toilet to complete the maneuver.  Urinal flush optional but recommended.  If pants are not buttoned, the stroll from urinal to toilet is the 1-2 shuffle.  If forced to wait for a stall, you are in the 1-2 pinch.  Sometimes known as the Turdus Migratorius, but this is the actual scientific name for an American robin (I can’t make that up, go google it)
The Upper Decker Not recommended in your own house or any place where you can be identified.  A UD is done by relieving yourself in the toilet tank rather than in the bowl.  Combinable with other wiping-related conditions for full descriptive effect.
The Taint Pack I think this is posture-based, honestly.  If you sit up too straight and have high volume, there’s a good chance you’ve done a taint pack.  This is a wiping condition where you need to take about 10 passes with TP to dig out before getting up.  Recommend a few wet wipes for bulk removal operations.
The Double Negative This is one of the worst conditions to deal with as a bomb-dropper.  The DN is a wiping condition where you realize too late that there’s no TP in your stall, and there’s no other way to get some TP without a DN shuffle to the hand-drying paper towels, only to discover the bathroom you’re in only has the electric hand dryers.  Recommendation, sacrifice underwear if gut condition is stable, otherwise, sacrifice socks and complete job as normal.
The Corn Cob Combinable with any other condition – this is a classic corn-shaped log.  Double bonus if it actually contains corn in any visible form.
The Turd Blossom Borrows from its Texas definition, a turd blossom is any turd which is accompanied by a scentless fart.  Double bonus if the fart smells fruity or otherwise sweet.
Turkey Dump Differing from Turd Ferguson’s definition at a significant risk to the collegiate crowd, a TD is any turd which takes on the shape of a drumstick in either pre-flush or post-flush conditions.  Good sphincter control can produce a turkey dump in many cases.
The Double Bullseye When you drop a turd nugget pure into the toilet water as to create a splashback that goes inside your still-open asscrack.  Usually followed by a cold sensation inside the spam ring.
Jailbreak
aka The Mudbutt
Admittedly I did not create this term but I love it.  A jailbreak is exactly that — usually immediately preceded by a hurried walk or a stiff-thigh robotic jog to the stall.  Once there, many possibilities.  Easily produced after large quantities of mexican food or buffalo wings, especially at the lunch hour.
Dry Dock This is a vengeance or revenge turd.  A turd that pulls into dry dock should be a large, preferably thick, single log is possible.  Aim is key.  A properly placed dry dock resides either inside the bowl above the water line or, in severely pointed cases, on the toilet seat itself.  Most useful on your last day at a job or other similar moments.
The Yule Log aka Mr. Hankey A yule log doesn’t have to come around only at the holiday season.  Any single, large log that is so sizeable that it threatens to rip your asshole open when expressed is considered a yule log.  Normally a sign of other internal problems and at the risk of an impacted bowel, the yule log may be a compaction of multiple unspent turds which vary in color and consistency.  Candles, Mistletoe and Hiiiidey Ho! optional.
The Johnny Cash And it burns, burns, burns:  the ring of fire — the ring of fire.  Possibly brought on by a Jailbreak, but not a requirement.  Could be a sign of liver damage if oddly discolored, especially with an orange tinge.
The Up and Down
The Second Wave
The Oops I Did it Again
The Second Helping
This is a pretty common session.  The U/D happens when you fully express a turd of any description, complete wiping procedures and just as you stand to get dressed, round 2 drops into the breech.  This is so common it’s known by many different names.
The Claymore
The Potter’s Delight
Usually confused with an AF, this is the converse of a CdP.  The Claymore is a deep bedrock clay consistency turd, thick like nearly-dry concrete, that may be caused by or may create other situations.  A perfect claymore is not reshaped by the bowl even at maximum flushing power, and generally is only resectioned with a long-handled putty knife or a garden hoe.  No plunger can cut a true claymore for ease of flushing.
The Taint Ripper
The Male Episiostomy
Even larger still by comparison to a Yule Log, a TRip is a single log that is so large it literally busts part of the taint seam into an oozing, seeping, painful split.  characterized by thin streaks of blood during wiping — not to be confused with hemorrhoid bleeding which produces larger, rounder deposits of blood and often falls into the bowl during expression.  This session creates a lasting painful condition, depending on frequency of sessions and overall turd size.  Recommend a few Coup de Pouce sessions after this one.
   

 

I think these ought to set the table.  Ok men, let me hear what you have to add to this list.  Ladies, commit these to memory, become fluent in their meanings, interpret their interchangeability.  You gain style points with any man if you can correct his misuse of the terminology based on description, and you pwn if you can use these to describe your own sessions.

Posted in humor, men, omfg, random, wtf | Tagged: | 9 Comments »

A Few Notes on Flatulence

Posted by Patrick on 20 Aug 2007

No man’s blog would be complete without a steady dose of toilet humor, I’ve decided.  Let’s face it, most men are little more than primal in bodily function and etiquette pertaining to bodily function.  What do I mean? Well if it isn’t obvious, ok.  Guys agree that methane-based assgas is an acceptable icebreaker when surrounded only by other guys; in this case, the more the merrier — volume matters, and the fresher the better.  If it lingers in your flannel shirt and survives a wash cycle, it was perfect potency.

A real guy doesn’t use a nose/ear hair trimmer, we just singe them into reverse by this method.  I’m an engineer; in my workgroup there’s a solid number of guys and there’s not a day that goes by without being subjected to a contact high from some cropdusted bratwurst bubbles.  Some people get their high by doing things like running or biking to an extreme, but not guys — real guys.  No, it’s usually the pungent fragrance of hot napalm from 50 yards that sets a guy into a near-euphoric state.

Consider it, when a guy encounters ground-zero, there’s a ritual.  Step 1 — loudly inquire as to learn who shat themself.  Step 2 — without moving an inch, take the deepest possible breath to inhale all that floral residue and discern a guy’s personal brand from the lower-level stench receptors at the base of the nasal cavity.  Step 3 — begin hand-wafting the air to enhance the speed of travel in windless environments.  Step 4 — proceed with original course, if not forgotten.

However, let’s also speak to dispel the innocence of women in this category.  Ladies, ok, stop saying that you don’t fart; stop saying that your farts don’t stink; stop trying to deny yourself a colon-vibrating sphincter rupture when one is due.  In the name of all things sacred, just let that gas go.  If you earn anything, it’s respect from any guy within the blast radius or earshot, as appropriate.  What is it with the daintiness of a woman that makes a real cheek-shaker so taboo?  I mean, women will sit down with a group of guys at the lunch table and absolutely house it no matter what’s on the menu, but then there’s no glory afterwards.

I’m here to tell you women out there that can’t stand to just unload one:  in public, SBDs are your friend.  The woman I married has mastered this art, and so should you.  Furthermore, all women should master the bed blaster.  What is this, you ask?  The bed blaster is when you wait for your spouse/partner to crawl into bed, of course they want to get it on nightly.  Step 2 is to firmly seal the air pocket between you and your Other, creating 2 personal bubbles.  Step 3, unload your worst taco salad and fondue marshmallow cocktail — if some proverbial cheese hits the sheets, even better but clean it up immediately after you stop laughing.  So, you’ve beefed into your air bubble.  Step 4, give the bubble 5 seconds to rot, then in a single motion you pull all of the sheets and stuff over your Other’s head while you dismount the bed and recreate a seal with only your Other in it.  The thicker blankets you have on the bed, the better.  If you ladies can master this task with your Other, not only will it earn you a side-splitting fit of laughter, but you’ll gain so much respect in your Other’s mind.  It’s the absolute key to fostering a long-term relationship with a guy, especially, because a guy’s connection with others is based on the smell of their ass, after all.

In summary, ladies, you have a lot to learn if you’re yet to master this ancient art.  As our generation of young girls moves more to the “I-have-to-have-this-pair-of-uber-expensive-pants” insecurity, I’m afraid that the tradition described here is becoming a bit lost in the cultural gap between regular human beings and adolescent girls.  While my attempts to add this bit of chivalry to collegiate curricula have, of yet, been unsuccessful, I’m confident that the mothers of this generation (that would be the set of 20-40yo women with children) can sway the tide in favor of history.

Posted in advice, humor, men, random | Tagged: | 4 Comments »

Men’s Euphemisms for Women

Posted by Patrick on 13 May 2007

If you’re a Laura Mallory or otherwise hypersensitive, mark-of-society woman with no sense of humor that can’t stand to be called anything other than your first name, then please have a nice day and continue on with your life without reading this post.

This is meant to be a fun post. I wish for men to participate and for women to contribute as well as be educated. What I want to take time compiling here are the absolute best nicknames, euphemisms, references, whatever that men use to refer to women and/or their favorite parts of women.

The euphemisms will be classified as such, and upon receiving the first reader submissions I will organize this post into this format:

1) Women in general, including full body/physique jargon
2) upper body including privates
3) lower body including privates
4) butts
5) feets
6) all others

I will be moderating comments and submissions on this post by disallowing standard comments and requiring the contact form at the bottom of this post in their place. My moderation rules are simple: you will receive credit for your submissions if accepted. This is meant to be humorous for men, so if it’s funny, great; if it’s practical, I’ll probably still take it; if it’s neither, chances are slim. In all submissions, you may not defame women or a specific person. Do not send me something which implies violence. You may be crass, you may be off-color (but not obscene), you may be rude if it is funny (to me) — if you think it’s questionable, try me. In the case of all submissions, I will personally decide which ones are posted. If you try to spam me because I rejected your post, I will block your IP address foevah evah and have a nice day.

Posted in educational, hotties, humor, idiocy, opinion, random, women, wtf | Leave a Comment »