Against the Grain

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Archive for the ‘omfg’ Category

What Kind of Dumbass Says “Perhaps So” About Nuclear War to Get Elected

Posted by Patrick on 11 Sep 2008

Let me first say, I’m not going to discriminate against anyone. I dole out my opinions in a blanket fashion for all to endure equally. Does “lipstick on a pig” pertain to Sarah Palin if Obama says it? No, of course not, and stop being a whining dumbass about it. Even if it did – thought it doesn’t, imagine that – she has the whole pitbull image but couldn’t take a harmless dig? Ok, on to the interview that Charlie Gibson had with Sarah Palin.

My first thought was: “omgwow, I can’t believe the Reps let this lady sit through this interview.” This interview with Sarah Palin may have been historic, but it really opened my eyes to what kind of person she is, how little she actually knows about a)things outside of Alaska, b)the current presidency, and c)the state of the world, and a little bit into why McCain would have chosen her. Although, now he may be wishing he didn’t.

I thought Charlie Gibson was fair – that he did a good, unbiased job of asking for her position on stuff outside of Alaska and being a stickler for making her answer the questions he asked instead of letting her keep sidestepping them when she didn’t know the answer. There were a few things that I just found uber hard to believe.

It must be only because she’s from Alaska that we had to hear how bring a former Oil commission chairman meant that she had credentials in national security, and she was touting it like some magic ace in the hole.

When he said “But this is not just reforming a government. This is also running a government on the huge international stage in a very dangerous world. When I asked John McCain about your national security credentials, he cited the fact that you have commanded the Alaskan National Guard and that Alaska is close to Russia. Are those sufficient credentials?”

Her response was “But it is about reform of government and it’s about putting government back on the side of the people, and that has much to do with foreign policy and national security issues Let me speak specifically about a credential that I do bring to this table, Charlie, and that’s with the energy independence that I’ve been working on for these years as the governor of this state that produces nearly 20 percent of the U.S. domestic supply of energy, that I worked on as chairman of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission, overseeing the oil and gas development in our state to produce more for the United States.”

She’s been working on energy independence for “these years” as a governor? How many years is that, Pyle? Sir, 1 and a half, sir!

My feedback was the same as Charlie’s feedback, “I’m just saying that national security is a whole lot more than energy.”

When Charlie asked “Do you agree with the Bush doctrine?” she had no idea what it is. Here is the text of that discussion – I laughed because I hate politics but I knew what the Bush doctrine is.

CG: Do you agree with the Bush doctrine?
SP: In what respect, Charlie?
CG: The Bush – well, what do you – what do you interpret it to be?
SP: His world view.
CG: No, the Bush doctrine, enunciated September 2002, before the Iraq war.
SP: I believe that what President Bush has attempted to do is rid this world of Islamic extremism, terrorists who are hell bent on destroying our nation. There have been blunders along the way, though. There have been mistakes made. And with new leadership, and that’s the beauty of American elections, of course, and democracy, is with new leadership comes opportunity to do things better. CG: The Bush doctrine, as I understand it, is that we have the right of anticipatory self-defense, that we have the right to a preemptive strike against any other country that we think is going to attack us. Do you agree with that?
SP: Charlie, if there is legitimate and enough intelligence that tells us that a strike is imminent against American people, we have every right to defend our country. In fact, the president has the obligation, the duty to defend.

It doesn’t take an astute person to call bullshit. I felt like I was watching a high school kid that didn’t do their homework get called on in class. Was Charlie picking on her “because she’s a woman”? Don’t be a dumbass, no. He was trying to get her to answer the question even if he had to give her a dissertation on what someone that is trying to be VP should already know.

But hold the phones, we’re going to talk about something VERY, VERY SCARY that she said. I would type this out but I found it online at talkingpointsmemo.com, so I’m just going to copy it from their site. This is the exchange where she basically said that we’d possibly have to go to war with Russia if they invade one of the countries that she believes should be in NATO.

GIBSON: And under the NATO treaty, wouldn’t we then have to go to war if Russia went into Georgia?
PALIN: Perhaps so. I mean, that is the agreement when you are a NATO ally, is if another country is attacked, you’re going to be expected to be called upon and help.

But NATO, I think, should include Ukraine, definitely, at this point and I think that we need to — especially with new leadership coming in on January 20, being sworn on, on either ticket, we have got to make sure that we strengthen our allies, our ties with each one of those NATO members.

We have got to make sure that that is the group that can be counted upon to defend one another in a very dangerous world today.

GIBSON: And you think it would be worth it to the United States, Georgia is worth it to the United States to go to war if Russia were to invade.

PALIN: What I think is that smaller democratic countries that are invaded by a larger power is something for us to be vigilant against. We have got to be cognizant of what the consequences are if a larger power is able to take over smaller democratic countries.

And we have got to be vigilant. We have got to show the support, in this case, for Georgia. The support that we can show is economic sanctions perhaps against Russia, if this is what it leads to.

It doesn’t have to lead to war and it doesn’t have to lead, as I said, to a Cold War, but economic sanctions, diplomatic pressure, again, counting on our allies to help us do that in this mission of keeping our eye on Russia and Putin and some of his desire to control and to control much more than smaller democratic countries.

His mission, if it is to control energy supplies, also, coming from and through Russia, that’s a dangerous position for our world to be in, if we were to allow that to happen.

Is this the person who you want fingering the nuclear button? And did you notice that she can’t say the word “nuclear” just like Bush can’t say it? It always sounds like “nucyelehr”. No politician in their right MIND would say that. Maybe Bush would have said that after a few shots of Gentleman Jack, but even he is sharp enough to dodge THAT question. Is that change? Hell yes it is. Is it change that you actually want? Hell no it isn’t. If the stated priority is protecting America, WTF? Here’s a hint, if they have nukes, DON’T CALL THEM OUT ON TV. Could you imaging if the Cuban Missile Crisis was conducted like that? Oh, nevermind, JFK was a.. say it with me.. De-mo-crat.

And wow, when it came time to answer 1 simple question about her foreign policy judgement, she had no idea how to respond. Does this sound like change to you?

CG:”Do we have the right to be making cross-border attacks into Pakistan from Afghanistan, with or without the approval of the Pakistani government?”

SP:”As for our right to.. invade.. we’re gonna work with these countries, building new relationships, working with existing allies, but forging new, also, in order to, Charlie, get to a point in this world where war is not going to be a first option in fact, war has got to be a military strike.. a last option”

“But Governor, I’m asking you, we have the right in your mind, to go across the border with or without the approval of the Pakistani government?”

“In order to stop Islamic extremists, those terrorists who would seek to destroy America and our allies, we must do whatever it takes and we must not blink, Charlie, in making those tough decisions of where we go and who we target

“… I got lost in a blizzard of words there; is that a yes, that you think we have the right to go across the border, with or without the approval of the Pakistani government, to go after terrorists who are in the Waziristan area?”

“I believe that America has to exercise all options in order to stop the terrorists who are hell-bent on destroying America and our allies. We have got to have all options out there on the table.”

I maintain that I am an undecided voter until after the debates are held. But wow, one more of these from the Republican folks and I am going to have to vote against. I hear a lot of half-truth from the Republicans all over the place, and I hear a lot of banter about how “our plans are better” but we have no idea what the details of their plans are.

What’s sad is that so many Americans care so little about politics yet they want to vote. So they see the MILF on TV and vote for that, regardless of what their vote represents. I admit, if I knew nothing, I’d be in that boat as well – the whole “hey look, McCain’s got a second trophy for his office” opinion – but wow it’s hard to un-say what this lady said about our potential future.

You can read through this (congratulations) and berate me if you wish, on 2 conditions. 1) bring your A game and 2) back up what you say with facts that are verifiable and include some kind of non-partisan reference to your facts.

*edit: corrected post title to “Perhaps So” from “Possibly So”

Posted in News Items, omfg, women | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Is Chrome THAT Bad-ass? Probably, and probably not

Posted by Patrick on 2 Sep 2008

Out on the wild, wild Interweb, there are people spouting praise upon praise upon praise for the promise of Google’s new web browser, Chrome, which made its debut today.

I must admit, I am a fan of it. I really do like it. But it’s not the second coming of a bread-slicer (at least, not in its beta form) but I’d say it does do a great number of things in new, ingenious ways. You can read all over the web about how well it breaks down browsing into separate processes, how it manages memory, how it holyshitifies the speed of javascript apps running browser-side.

But let’s be real. First impressions are a big deal in this Age. People are upset that Windoze is the only currently-supported OS. Whilst the majority want a Mac/Linux port, I personally want to see a mobile port to compare it to Opera Mini, which absolutely rocks except for how it manages cookies (maybe it’s only on my bberry – separate post). Sure it’ll be part of Android, but how about something for RIM or CE users to really grab hold of the mobile web market? Of course, I’m sure it’s planned.

Also, even on Windows, it has issues with how it handles some pages that were designed for either IE or Fox/Flock. Of note are pages I use at work which run frame-based UIs over Tomcat are rendered completely blank (cue the “Let’s Make a Deal” zonk music). Parts of my homepage are Flash-based and they don’t render properly. My personal email web-UI doesn’t render properly and runs in limited feature mode.

There is certainly work to be done – duh, that’s why it’s a beta. So, while Chrome may eventually turn out so badass that it was indeed the brains behind creating the Virgin Mary in all those inanimate objects like grilled cheese sammiches, right now it’s a somewhat sweet, slightly buggy, yet exhilirating, fresh take on web browsing. NOW GIVE ME SOME PLUGINS!

Posted in educational, News Items, omfg, opinion, technology | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

You Might be a Soccer Mom if…

Posted by Patrick on 6 Apr 2008

I’m not quite done with this post yet, but I’m going to go ahead and publish it anyway. I’m sure that I’ll get mixed reviews since I have a pretty cynical, mixed gender audience. I mean to entertain as well as offer up some personal frustrations associated with living in Denver, the land of the California transplants cross-bred with 400k illegal immigrants – if it’s not funny, no refunds; you’re not obligated to read.

Here’s a not so new take on a concept that is recently just getting me more and more upset with American society – behold, the advent of the soccer mom and her place in the world. Much akin to the redneck in many regards, I have uncovered several behavioral habits and nuances and made several observations which may help you to identify if you are indeed one of this breed. I’m sorry if you are.

You might be a soccer mom if…

  • …you own more down vests than you own jackets.
  • …you have ever ordered Starbucks (or its equivalent) as decaf 1/2 skim 1/2 soy nofoam nowhip
  • …every one of your children wears crocs in the snow
  • …your primary means of communication with other people is by cell phone. while driving. and drinking your coffee.
  • …you never take the time to properly park your larger-than-the-parking-space SUV.
  • …long-sleeved turtleneck shirts are the extent of your fashion sense.
  • …your pants get tucked in to your boots, no matter the season. Even in summer.
  • …you traded in an SUV, mid-size sedan, or a minivan to get a new, roomier minivan with captain’s chairs
  • …you refuse to put gas in your own car because “that’s my husband’s job” tee hee hee when actually you don’t know how to use the gas pump.
  • …you own more foldable beach/lawn chairs than wooden ones. If you use both indoors, then you may be a redneck soccer mom.
  • …you let your kids wander off in a store so you can have some peace and quiet for your cell phone conversation. about what your friends are wearing. and why they should go see a hair stylist.
  • …you keep more food in the minivan for the kids than in the cupboards.
  • …you drink “chai” because one of your cell phone friends says it’s healthy, and you believe her.
  • …you actually have kids that play soccer, but you have no idea how the game is played.
  • …you actually have kids that play soccer, and you are rabid with the airhorn every time your kid gets a touch.
  • …your idea of “going out to eat” is hitting a McDonalds or Chik-fil-A with an indoor playground so the kids can play instead of eat.
  • …the highlight of your day is when one of your cellphone friends actually calls you when you’re driving.
  • …your idea of competition is keeping up with your soccer mom neighbors’ purchases.
  • …you’ve ever hosted a partylite, tupperware, amway, pampered chef or mary kay party for which you are not the “distributor” or “agent”
  • …you have ever been an agent for a pyramid scheme goods company and tattooed your ambition on your car(s) with decals.

Posted in humor, omfg, opinion, the bastardization of America | Tagged: , , | 3 Comments »

BCS Playoffs – 2007 Matchups

Posted by Patrick on 13 Dec 2007

Let’s assume for a minute that the NCAA’s FBS, that would be the organization formerly known as Division 1-A, were to institute a playoff system with this years teams.  And just for laughs let’s say it’s a 16-team tournament even though the top 10 teams are the only “BCS bowl” team under the current hokey-ass, lamefied system.  Using that bracket as a basis (go to ESPN if you can’t visualize a 16-team bracket), let’s look at what the matchups would be and which one would be the “best”.  Also, yell loudly when you spot a “bad” game in any round.

First Round:
1 Ohio State
vs 16 Tennessee
8 Kansas vs 9 West Virginia

5 Georgia vs 12 Florida
4 Oklahoma vs 13 Illinois (I’m yelling loudly)

3 Virginia Tech vs 14 Boston College
6 Missouri vs 11 Arizona State

7 USC vs 10 Hawaii
2 LSU vs 15 Clemson

The best matchup in this round, if you ask me, is USC vs Hawaii.  I’m tempted to say it’s UGA versus Florida in a rematch of the annual world’s largest cocktail party, but honestly Florida should be scared of UGA right now.  So no, USC vs Hawaii.  We’re talking about Petey Carroll and his pretty boy JD Bootylicious with all that offense taking on Juniper Jones and Colt 45 Brennan and all their offense.  Neither team really does well on defense – yeah, ok USC at least fields 11 capable athletes, but let’s face it that their defense is the reason they’re not in the top 3.

Best chance for an upset:  Arizona State over Missouri in my book.  Though it’s not really an upset, I think WV would take out Kansas as well.  My picks are in bold.

Second Round:
1
Ohio State vs 9 West Virginia
5 Georgia vs 4
Oklahoma
3 Virginia Tech vs 11
Arizona State
7 USC vs 2 LSU

The best game in this round, and probably the best matchup you are going to get out of these teams, is Georgia vs Oklahoma.  Face facts folks, at the end of the 2007 season, Oklahoma is scary good – Georgia is omfg scary good.  Let’s also realize that Georgia was 1 triple overtime Tennessee game versus Kentucky away from being in the SEC title game against LSU, whom they would have taken behind the woodshed and been ranked #1 or #2 at the end of the season – frankly I think they are the hottest team in college football right now – maybe they weren’t for the whole season, but for right now, they are executing with the most horsepower.  But what makes this matchup so great is that Oklahoma is the true #2 team in my opinion.  OU got lots of dap for winning the Big 12 with pollsters, but found themselves at #4 regardless.  Sadly, only one team can move forward, and I’m picking Georgia in a close, physical battle.

Best upset chance: West Virginia destroys Ohio State in a laugher.

Semifinals:
9
West Virginia vs 5 Georgia
3 Virginia Tech vs 2
LSU

I just raved about UGA, so I’ll talk about why VT will beat LSU.  It’s because of Les Miles and his general inability to manage a game; in this match he’s going to do something boneheaded and it’s going to cost his hard-working team the game.  Not to discredit VT, because they are going to put points on the board vs LSU’s mediocre secondary and “hey he breathed on me so throw a flag” mentality.  This team may be spouting about “we were only 2x 3OT losses away from being undefeated”, but at that point, a loss is a loss – if you’re a good enough team, win the game in four quarters and keep your panties on your waist whining about triple overtime.  if your defense could hold a goal line, they wouldn’t have lost either game anyway.  I’ve got VT over LSU somewhere in the 31-20 range.

Championship Game:
5 Georgia vs 3
Virginia Tech

Yes, so it comes down to this for all the hypothetical marbles you want to throw into the circle.  As I already said, Georgia is omfg scary good right now.  Like cakerockstheparty said in such eloquent words, the dawgs are “out for blood”, Turnbull A.C.’s be damned.  I’ve got them taking this tournament against VT in a game somewhere around 27-23 – a close one.

So, if you’re a Georgia fan, let me hear some love! 

Will college football ever see a playoff? Yes.  Will we be old, crotchety men shaking our canes at the TV by then? Maybe.

Posted in educational, entertainment, football, humor, NCAA, News Items, omfg, opinion, sports, what would happen if... | 3 Comments »

Movie Review: The Golden Compass

Posted by Patrick on 7 Dec 2007

I went to see the long-awaited “The Golden Compass” today, based on the first story of the His Dark Materials trilogy by Phillip Pullman.  Before I try somewhat feebly to comment on how this movie played out socially and theologically for the uber-religious freaks that think all movies that mention God are evil in echelons of ways, I want to talk about the movie itself and how it relates to the book.

***SPOILER ALERT:  Below this line, I am giving away the movie in bits and pieces.  If you don’t want to read a spoiler for any reason whatsoever, you should stop reading this post here.  Thanks for visiting and have a splendid day.***

I knew from the outset of this movie that we’re looking at an episodic event, since the movie’s opening sequence features a cut in the world made by the subtle knife (from book 2).  It turned out that I was right, and that gave me a bit of a “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” shudder before 5 minutes had even passed.  I was disappointed, but I think it was tastefully done, and it helps to set the stage for the movie for people who’ve not read the story.  Dakota Blue Richards’ opening voiceover about the existence of other worlds as that sequence is playing does well to set the story, but if you’ve read the story you know that she doesn’t understand the “other worlds” concept and traveling between them until the second book; it gives her narration a bit of a retrospect — are we going to see something present-day at the end of the trilogy’s movies?  More on that later.

Despite the 1h54m runtime, I thought the anachronism in the movie (scenes extracted out of order from the book) made sense to me, though I felt penalized because I knew the story when events didn’t fire in my pre-set sequence.  An example of this is the first sequence with Lyra – they are playing and talking about the gobblers, and then she finds herself stuck in the retiring room coat closet.  This is the other way around in the book if I remember properly.  There are several other occurrences like this that are subtle, but they still play well with the story.

What I would have liked was to leave the witches’ liaison intact where Lyra uses the alethiometer to identify Serafina’s cloud-pine branch outside.  It made sense later, because the witches were flying without it in the big battle scene.  In the story, I thought this was a critical point.  It was unclear how Serafina and her clan were able to come to aid at Bolvangar – and overall I felt the roles of the witches were downplayed, probably on purpose to appease the anti-magical-people-in-fictitious-movies sect of organized western religions.

I want to say now that I detested the ending of the movie, but I understand why it is this way.  The second story is pretty short in movie terms, as it’s the shortest of the three stories in the trilogy.  But it certainly does lead us to believe that “The Subtle Knife” will be even more episodic than this movie was.  We are going to see the opening sequence of the second movie leading Lyra and Roger up to watch Roger die and everyone will step into another world for the first time.

Now, let’s discuss briefly the religious impact of this movie and why religious “experts” are crying out against it.

First, I have to say that I am not devoutly dedicated to any religion, but I am a Zen Buddhist of the Rinzai sect; my primary temple is in Kyoto as is the master to whom I pledged.  For you Protestants, think of it as the church where you first began to accept/practice your current denomination.

Now that the table’s set, let’s chat.  There is a lot of public outcry over this movie.  People say that this movie defies God (each word is a separate link).  People generally complain that this movie is written by an atheist, that they google the book and the results are controversial topics like “female castration”, that the movie is about kids who set out to kill God.

First of all, these people are idiots.  Maybe I shouldn’t say that — these people are f’ing idiots.  Yes, that’s better.  Ill-informed religious propaganda based on search results from Google, of all places, and based on the author’s personal religious views. People who say that this book movie is about kids who want to kill God, well, they are not only wrong, they are f’ing wrong.  If you want an accurate plot summary of the movie, go look at IMDb — not Google, not your church’s bulletin board, not your archdiocese email distribution list, and certainly not what your church-friend’s-friend’s-pastor’s-uncle is saying about it.

Secondly, Phillip Pullman didn’t write the screenplay, it was Chris Weitz.  Chris Weitz adapted the screenplay from the novel by Phillip Pullman.  Quick you freaks, go Google Chris Weitz and see if he’s an atheist that wants to kill God or write an anti-religion manifesto.  Go stand outside New Line Cinemas and see if you get drag Chris Weitz into the parking lot and throw holy water on him and flash aluminum foil crosses in his eyes so he might go blind.  Let me know how that works out.

Thirdly, Pullman’s book isn’t based on his own ideas (gasp! oh noes!1!!1), whether he may support the ideas or not is irrelevant.  For anyone who has actually read some literature in their lifetime and who has an average level of intelligence, it is more than obvious that Pullman’s stories are based on John Milton’s epic poem Paradise Lost.  His Dark Materials is based on it, and the actual term “His Dark Materials” is taken directly from it, as in the verse cut below:

Into this wild Abyss,
The womb of Nature, and perhaps her grave,
Of neither sea, nor shore, nor air, nor fire,
But all these in their pregnant causes mixed
Confusedly, and which thus must ever fight,
Unless th’ Almighty Maker them ordain
His dark materials to create more worlds—
Into this wild Abyss the wary Fiend
Stood on the brink of Hell and looked a while,
Pondering his voyage; for no narrow frith
He had to cross.
John Milton, Paradise Lost, Book II

Next time you want to bash a movie because it doesn’t bode well from google, but the trailer looks good, and it’s rated PG-13, here’s a news flash – it’s probably a pretty good movie.  People are saying that it’s trying to promote atheism within children, which is of course a lie, but those people are the same ones who were on the “ban HP books in school libraries” bandwagon because it was about wizards and witches and wanted it replaced with C.S.Lewis’ books about wizards and witches.  I don’t buy your uninformed arguments; I choose to act of my own free will, I choose to let my opinions be formed by myself and not by those who seek to propagandize their discontent, I choose to believe what I feel is best rather than blindly obey out of sheer ignorance.  If you think that’s wrong, fine, but I don’t want to hear about it.

Summary

I thought the movie was slightly above mediocre; I’d give it 3 of 4 stars if I had to rate it.  The acting was ok, the locations were beautifully framed and the chosen scenery was great. The CG and other effects were very good.  The theme sung by Kate Bush at the end I thought was awful – it sounded more like a balladic jam session with a choir.

Dakota Blue Richards stole the show in this movie, but I really wanted to see her be afraid and act like she was actually overcoming something. Maybe we’ll see that in the next book.

Nicole Kidman was about as hot as she has ever been; I thought she played the role of Mrs. Coulter fairly well. But I really wanted to see some emotion out of her, and we didn’t get much except for the deceitful undertones we got from Mrs. Coulter in the story.

Posted in culture, idiocy, movies, omfg, opinion, reading, sociology | Leave a Comment »

A Collection of Turds

Posted by Patrick on 29 Nov 2007

Men, this post is for you.  Ladies, you’re welcome to play but I fully expect you to learn these things on behalf of your Other.

Men, give me your best euphemisms and descriptions for the categories of toilet experiences that you’ve had.  I’ll compile a list here in this post and we can all develop a bit of urban dictionary to share with our friends and coworkers.

Name

Description

The 25mm

Named for a tank-mounted coaxial gun.  The 25mm is distinguished by multiple series of short, bursty farts with brief pauses for sphincter pinch or beef drops in between.  Usually producible after bbq with baked beans.
The Hurry Up and Wait When you sit to drop and immediately fill up a bowl’s worth similar to an Artemis Fowl, but there’s that one straggler nugget that just will not drop regardless of sphincter power or stomach strength.  Usually requires “the shake” to remove.  Pretty common among non-water drinkers that eat hot wings
Alphabet Soup One of my favorites.  The alphabet soup is appropriately called when you examine your lumber and it/they create a fine resemblance to a letter of the alphabet.  The most common letters are J, C and O, oddly enough.  S anyone?
The G’Day Mate This is labeled when you drop in your contribution and it is spinning counter-clockwise in the toilet.  Combinable with all other labels.  Why do turds float in a circle when deposited? Odd center of gravity?
The Dexter Named for the popular Showtime series, a Dexter consists of random spatter patterns painting the bowl.  Remember, the smaller the diameter per spatter drop, the higher the initial velocity.  I’m shooting (literally!) for <1mm next time I have this.  Many have to eat chili to get this effect.
The Area 51 I have no idea how this happens, but it does; I blame gravity.  An A51 label is appropriate when you deploy your stink grenades, but they skate down the toilet pipe and aren’t in the bowl when you take a look to analyze.
The Holy Hand Grenade This isn’t an original name, but an HHG is simply a combined Area 51 (see above) and Spic ‘n Span (see below).  No muss, no fuss!
Scorched Earth After its fabled computer game, Scorched Earth opens with a wolf-bane howling green napalm fart that sticks to your clothes and makes your eyes water.  Nose hairs may recede.  Warning: known carcinogens may be present, mesothelioma may result.  Turd volume insignificant thereafter.
The Artemis Fowl Named for dwarves in the popular children’s series by Eoin Colfer.  The AF, for short, is the 21st Century version of the old school power dump.  Volume is key, untouched toilet water must be completely nonexistent.  Recommended only in workplaces and public restrooms where flushing power is known to be very high.  Warning: high potential to plug toilet.  Further recommended where multiple empty stalls exist.
Wizard Stew (courtesy of urbandictionary.com).  When happening upon a toilet which already contains a whole or partial turd of unknown origin, proceeding to add to said turd without first flushing is creating a wizard stew.
The Spic ‘n Span As a feat against nature, this is any turd which wipes completely clean on the first pass.  Usually accompanied by a comment such as “hmmph, well ok”.  Higher probability during morning sessions.
The Coup de Pouce A loose, slippery turd most known for showing itself during a hangover morning.  This “helping hand” is a constipation breaker for many, and the coup de pouce may be brought on by any industrial-strength laxative.  It is rated by the length and thickness of deposited streak marks after the first flush.  Not to be mistaken for an Artemis Fowl; may be combined if warranted.
The Onesy Twosey aka the Turdus Migratorius Derived from our kids euphemisms, the 1-2 for short is the condition where a man is at a urinal and has to pack up and move to a toilet to complete the maneuver.  Urinal flush optional but recommended.  If pants are not buttoned, the stroll from urinal to toilet is the 1-2 shuffle.  If forced to wait for a stall, you are in the 1-2 pinch.  Sometimes known as the Turdus Migratorius, but this is the actual scientific name for an American robin (I can’t make that up, go google it)
The Upper Decker Not recommended in your own house or any place where you can be identified.  A UD is done by relieving yourself in the toilet tank rather than in the bowl.  Combinable with other wiping-related conditions for full descriptive effect.
The Taint Pack I think this is posture-based, honestly.  If you sit up too straight and have high volume, there’s a good chance you’ve done a taint pack.  This is a wiping condition where you need to take about 10 passes with TP to dig out before getting up.  Recommend a few wet wipes for bulk removal operations.
The Double Negative This is one of the worst conditions to deal with as a bomb-dropper.  The DN is a wiping condition where you realize too late that there’s no TP in your stall, and there’s no other way to get some TP without a DN shuffle to the hand-drying paper towels, only to discover the bathroom you’re in only has the electric hand dryers.  Recommendation, sacrifice underwear if gut condition is stable, otherwise, sacrifice socks and complete job as normal.
The Corn Cob Combinable with any other condition – this is a classic corn-shaped log.  Double bonus if it actually contains corn in any visible form.
The Turd Blossom Borrows from its Texas definition, a turd blossom is any turd which is accompanied by a scentless fart.  Double bonus if the fart smells fruity or otherwise sweet.
Turkey Dump Differing from Turd Ferguson’s definition at a significant risk to the collegiate crowd, a TD is any turd which takes on the shape of a drumstick in either pre-flush or post-flush conditions.  Good sphincter control can produce a turkey dump in many cases.
The Double Bullseye When you drop a turd nugget pure into the toilet water as to create a splashback that goes inside your still-open asscrack.  Usually followed by a cold sensation inside the spam ring.
Jailbreak
aka The Mudbutt
Admittedly I did not create this term but I love it.  A jailbreak is exactly that — usually immediately preceded by a hurried walk or a stiff-thigh robotic jog to the stall.  Once there, many possibilities.  Easily produced after large quantities of mexican food or buffalo wings, especially at the lunch hour.
Dry Dock This is a vengeance or revenge turd.  A turd that pulls into dry dock should be a large, preferably thick, single log is possible.  Aim is key.  A properly placed dry dock resides either inside the bowl above the water line or, in severely pointed cases, on the toilet seat itself.  Most useful on your last day at a job or other similar moments.
The Yule Log aka Mr. Hankey A yule log doesn’t have to come around only at the holiday season.  Any single, large log that is so sizeable that it threatens to rip your asshole open when expressed is considered a yule log.  Normally a sign of other internal problems and at the risk of an impacted bowel, the yule log may be a compaction of multiple unspent turds which vary in color and consistency.  Candles, Mistletoe and Hiiiidey Ho! optional.
The Johnny Cash And it burns, burns, burns:  the ring of fire — the ring of fire.  Possibly brought on by a Jailbreak, but not a requirement.  Could be a sign of liver damage if oddly discolored, especially with an orange tinge.
The Up and Down
The Second Wave
The Oops I Did it Again
The Second Helping
This is a pretty common session.  The U/D happens when you fully express a turd of any description, complete wiping procedures and just as you stand to get dressed, round 2 drops into the breech.  This is so common it’s known by many different names.
The Claymore
The Potter’s Delight
Usually confused with an AF, this is the converse of a CdP.  The Claymore is a deep bedrock clay consistency turd, thick like nearly-dry concrete, that may be caused by or may create other situations.  A perfect claymore is not reshaped by the bowl even at maximum flushing power, and generally is only resectioned with a long-handled putty knife or a garden hoe.  No plunger can cut a true claymore for ease of flushing.
The Taint Ripper
The Male Episiostomy
Even larger still by comparison to a Yule Log, a TRip is a single log that is so large it literally busts part of the taint seam into an oozing, seeping, painful split.  characterized by thin streaks of blood during wiping — not to be confused with hemorrhoid bleeding which produces larger, rounder deposits of blood and often falls into the bowl during expression.  This session creates a lasting painful condition, depending on frequency of sessions and overall turd size.  Recommend a few Coup de Pouce sessions after this one.
   

 

I think these ought to set the table.  Ok men, let me hear what you have to add to this list.  Ladies, commit these to memory, become fluent in their meanings, interpret their interchangeability.  You gain style points with any man if you can correct his misuse of the terminology based on description, and you pwn if you can use these to describe your own sessions.

Posted in humor, men, omfg, random, wtf | Tagged: | 9 Comments »

A REAL HP:DH leak thanks to Scholastic’s idiocy

Posted by Patrick on 16 Jul 2007

First of all, I’d like to say that I absolutely abhor the killjoy atmosphere which has, for nearly 8 months now, surrounded the release of this book and the much sought-after need to provide some kind of proof/evidence that a person has acquired the manuscript for what will be the best selling children’s book for the next few years to come.

Now that we have dispensed with the niceties, there is a leak in the plumbing, ladies and gentlemen.  Out in the bittorrent community there are some confirmed images capturing the first 500 or so pages of the coming Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows story, due in stores and on doorsteps everywhere this Saturday.  Yours truly has acquired access to said photos, though I have not yet partaken in them, and I currently have not decided if I am going to attempt to read them or not.

I am going to take the title page and include it as a link from this post.  It’s as far as I’d let myself wander down the list of images before I stopped to consider it.

Of significant note, I did not create these images, and I do not know nor do I care who did. I’ll be thumbing my own copy of HP:DH when it arrives here Saturday morning (UPS runs around 9AM here). I also want to say that I’m not going to, at any time, publish screens of the story, especially before the book is released.

I’d say that we can thank our dear idiot friends at Scholastic for getting these books in the hands of booksellers early ~ sure they want to be sure that retailers have time to stock them and they certainly don’t want any stores to not have their titles for a midnight sale on Friday night. But folks, today’s Monday. They could ship these tomorrow and still be in good shape, let’s face it. I agree with another WP poster who claims “so much for heightened security”.

edit: there is a subsequent verified leak out in the community which contains the entire book, photographed as images

HP:DH title page

Posted in harry potter, idiocy, omfg | 6 Comments »

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix movie tickets sold out

Posted by Patrick on 1 Jul 2007

Yes, that’s right. No, not nationwide silly. But here in Denver, at the theater I prefer to visit for movies of this .. well, magnitude.. tickets for the first day’s complete showings of the coming movie Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix sold through online presales sites and from the box office itself are now completely gone.

What does this mean? Well, first of all it means (I hope) that there won’t be a block-wrapping line of freaks who both 1) love the story in a fanatical way and 2) don’t understand the concept of advance purchasing. Long gone, I hope, are the Star Wars: Episode III Times Square lines thanks to folks like Fandango, who will serve you up an online will call ticket with the quicks as long as you pay an extra dollar. And let’s face it, what’s $1 versus the $12 you already are paying, but so that you don’t have to stand in line hoping to get tickets. You’ll spend $4 on a drink and $6 for popcorn, on average, so don’t be miffed away by a $1 convenience charge.

And, yes, I have my tickets.

Posted in harry potter, News Items, omfg, opinion | Leave a Comment »

Heroes Season Finale (episode 23) and micro-spoiler

Posted by Patrick on 16 May 2007

I have seen the season finale of Heroes, which airs in the US on May 21st. I will first say that I had not exactly (or completely correctly) anticipated what happened, and I think you would have to be among the best of prognosticators in order to get every event exactly right.

I will not be making any general statements about what happens during the episode until after it airs on the 21st, but with a single word I could vastly change what people think about the way this episode is going to shape up without actually giving anything away. It’s pretty unexpected.

A single spoiler word appears on the line below this one. Highlight the next line down if you dare. No refunds on what it does to your ideas if you go there.
edit: 20mins after air. The spoiler word was Simone for those of you who were too afraid to peep it. If you watched the episode, you understand. If you had to DVR it, it doesn’t give anything away like I said.
2nd edit: 22 May 07. I considered the word Noah for this spoiler, but I thought it would just confuse people because, up until last night, we had no idea who Noah was. As an aside, isn’t Noah a poignant name?

In an interview with Masi Oka, he indicated that the last few minutes of this season (more correctly, this Volume, entitled ‘Genesis’) will segue into season 2, which will be Volume 2 ‘Generations’. We don’t know very much about what this means yet, and we only have a glimpse of what it may mean at the end of this season. To quote JK Rowling, I am being shockingly indiscreet. I don’t want to spoil that bit for the people who read these posts.

What are you all looking forward to hearing and/or seeing in the Heroes season finale?

Posted in heroes, omfg, TV | 3 Comments »

Heroes Episode 20 “Five Years Gone”

Posted by Patrick on 25 Apr 2007

I’ve had the opportunity (and trust me, I took it) to watch next week’s episode of Heroes which was initially entitled “String Theory” — this changed in the recent weeks to the current title that will go to air. Oh man oh man, this is one of the best episodes yet! It’s not completely a one-act play like episode 17 was with the showdown at the Bennett’s house, but it’s close.

For me the best part is Claire as a brunette. We see most of the major players, but also the WiFi girl and the Haitian both made appearances despite being absent in the most recent episode.

OOOOhhhh this is getting interesting! I don’t normally get excited about TV, but this is one show that continually improves (despite a somewhat slow storyline at the onset).

Posted in heroes, omfg, TV | 3 Comments »